Ya know the funny thing about yesterdays post - I crave for the people in my life to be open and honest with me. Yet, I was not with so many last week.
Today I ran across a post in my drafts where I had written this:
I love, love, LOVE when people are real and forthcoming with me. When they know they can tell me anything. My goal in relationships is to let other people know I am safe and trustworthy. That is a very important quality to me so I assume it is important to others as well. Being a safe place to land for a loved one is crucial to me.
Then I asked myself… So, Tam, what you are expecting from others you are not truly willing to return?
I went on to read in this post-draft:
…and it hurts when I learn that something, or some things, have been withheld from me by a loved one/close friend. Perhaps I am not the safe place I thought I had constructed.
And this all has left me with a question…
Are we really the kind of friends that we expect others to be to us?
Are we doing enough self-evaluating? Are we allowing others to challenge us and speak the hard truths into our lives?
People. Fellowship. Community – all essentials of living. Togetherness.
I believe that when a community, any community, can expose who they really are…they link arm and arm together – creating a bond that with each link becomes harder to break.
At this moment, I am evaluating the strength of the link I am responsible for…
Will you?
Good grief! Did you not listen to Brent's Summer Slam at least once through?? He talked about this very thing. And I guess it was touched on, to a small degree, with my comment over on the gall bladder post!! And you also talked about isolating some with sharing that you even had surgery. "We have each other in this community" (per Brent) can mean the room of people around you. The city of people around you. Or the world of internet people around you. And being proud gets us no where.
My self-centeredness led me down a road that 10 years ago I would have ROFL about. Pride kept my disease all nice & neat in my brain. For no one to be the wiser (esp me!!). I thought I was above the word addict. Better educated. Better neighborhood. Domineering parent (even as an adult).
I got complacent. I let God slip away. Afraid of the conflict after this new sin. Like Brent said "Fearful to step out & change & grow". Not only did I not want to be hurt, I didn't want to be full of guilt & shame. I was so self-centered I didn't realize I was already full of guilt & shame. But, I had become comfortable in it!!! I couldn't see beyond it. No. Way. Out. I found myself not dealing with my insufficiencies. And not growing. Complacency is warm & comfy. And I did ignore the world around me. Brent really hit the memory game for me. Reminding me to stay the course. Look forward to growth. No matter how afraid I am. Because it's not about me. It's about the changes God can make in me and then through me. It's about the changes I CANNOT make on my own. No isolating. Community. Wherever I can find it. Like here. But, don't let us become to comfortable. Shake it up. Remind us to "play the tape all the way through". Remind us of the end-result if we don't have MOVEMENT in my life. "Movement requires risk. Movement is a process." ~ your lovely husband. And it is a lifelong journey.
Thanks, Brent!! Love ya, Tam!
"Not only did I not want to be hurt, I didn't want to be full of guilt & shame. I was so self-centered I didn't realize I was already full of guilt & shame."
thats heavy, shellie.
"But, I had become comfortable in it!!!"
false comfort. before i had confessed my abortions that was the state i was in. its scary and debilitating.
so grateful you and i are got out of the mind/heart mess. it is a daily process. and when we think we're gettin it one area…something else comes along that needs attention. but praise God…we need to know if we are to grow.
Tam,
I have to say, for such a fun blog (I always come here and leave with a smile). you are also challenging, and you ask the tough questions. I agree that I seek the same from others as you, total confidence, total trust. I am eager to have others trust me and be totally forthcoming. Buttttttt! When it is my turn, I hold back, I will put a menial problem I am experiencing on the talbe, hoping they are placated, but the really icky stuff stays inside. I want to bear my soul to a point, and I am wrong in that. My accountability guys don't know many things about me, they are all younger than me, and they just look to me for whatever wisdom I have to offer. I guess this is just another area I really need work. Thanks for making me think about it, you are a great thinker and sister in Christ. God Bless-Jim
JIM!!!!
i SO love seeing you again!
how are you? what's been going on? you doing ok?
"My accountability guys don't know many things about me"
ok. so THAT… jim?
Tam,
Doing good, real blessed, but have had a lot of challenges for growth this year, beginning with a stroke in late february. Stress caused it, we didn't catch it in time. Good news, no major permanent damage. My new motto is, "If you have to have a portion of your brain die, might as well be a part that doesn't do anything".
Hmm, Accountability. I have tried to stop making excuses in my life, but the fact is, I still have a ways to go. I too am "in progress" I suppose. Opening the vault is hard for me, and it is just past baggage that makes it so. Once upon a time, I had an accountability guy that I trusted implicitly. I believed (and still do) in having that type of brother. This was over fifteen years ago. I have "never" ever shared this before. I was married, and at work I had a problem. A woman began to get a little too friendly with me, and I was freaking out, because I didn't know how to go about getting her to back off, so I went to my accountability friends secretly, and told them about it. I asked if they would pray with me that I might have the strength to tell her to STOP! One was a childhood best friend who lived out of town and is still my best bud. The other was a good friend that I went to church with and was pretty much my second best friend.
Although I had not engaged in any wrong behavior, he went to my wife and told her that I was messing around with a woman at work, and told her. He then began an affair with her founded on what I had confided and I became divorced. They married within a week of our divorce being final, and are still married, fifteen years later. There, that is my lame excuse for being guarded.
The good part is that I am now married to my best friend, and God put me where he wanted me. But that is one of the reasons I have trouble going too deep, but I think that even sharing this here for the first time is a step in the right direction. Thank you for challenging my faith. God bless you and your family.
Jim
while i am happy that you are happily married to your best friend now…my heart is so sad for what happened to you earlier. i am so sorry.
"There, that is my lame excuse for being guarded. "
not lame at all. real.
thank you so very much for putting all this out here. im sure that was tough.
Thanks,
After writing this, I felt better. Our mens accountability guys group meets thursday mornings, and I decided to start being more transparent. I told all the guys this story, it was hard, but for me to truly be transparent, I needed to. The truth of the matter is this, Had I not read "the hard questions" and answered your call, I would not have done this. Thanks for the encouragement. God Bless
"People. Fellowship. Community – all essentials of living. Togetherness." Love this quote Tam and it is so true.
Here is where I truly struggle though and it goes back to my comment from yesterday. So I am expanding
I do really well with the fellowship and the community side. I will be one to show up, build, carry, cookout..whatever. Hang if you would and share a laugh and enjoy my time with people. I love people. No matter the background. I think people are just cool by nature and I love to ask questions to learn more about them. Very often my wife will ask "How do you know them?" I usually cannot remember how…just that I do. So my fellowship skills and community are strong in hand.
When it comes to the pure side of people…ding ding ding, Challenge. I have friends, tons of contacts and acquaintances that all rely on me for advice, leadership and guidance. Very very rarely do I feel I have an opening to ask for some myself.
If I am at coffee with someone, or lunch, the conversation is mostly people reaching out to me for next steps or not the coffee stop or lunch to discuss serious matters. When I do have those moments, they are so unusual people usually worry something is crazy wrong with me and I get phone call after phone call checking on my mental stability
(example of course) This is where I would just rather not upset the cart if you would from yesterday.
So, all that to get to this. How do you get in a place where you can share and not freak people out? Is it a quantity thing?
As always our new Nashvillian…great post!
joseph…i could have written your comment for myself. i can identify with you so much it makes my brain hurt.
one thing i've realized about this… like you, i have a lot of friends who come to me for counsel and advice. which i love. i am so honored by that, truly. i hope i can always be that for them. the part where it gets tough is when i allow myself to get so consumed by it that i "forget", or just don't, share anything about me. OR…they're all going through so much stuff, why add my heavy heart to the mix?
as for your question..i have no stinking clue. i mean, i can "say"…'well, you decide to put your full trust into 2, maybe 3, people in an accountability structure that is reciprocal. but that is easier said than done.
i fall far too short far too often…
me too, corn. me too.
Definitely been dealing with this one as we are in the midst of an upcoming move, i.e. not wanting to ask for help, etc. And so now I feel completely free to ask all my friends for help!
Thanks Tammy!
Seriously, transparency is always the key, but oh so hard to do! We are all a "work in progress" when it comes to this one, but as long as we are working towards true community, truthfulness, transparency, etc with each other then we are putting bricks in a wall for our Lord that the Enemy can't break through. GREAT posts Tammy. We all need some convicting on this one.
i love your brick wall analogy. its like a community armor that satan should never be able to trample through. we each are responsible for our own brink and together we are responsible to hold them strong together.
Wow…. I fall short in this one.
As I read this:
People… actual people popped in my head. Where I have sat in front of for HOURS over coffee or sushi dinners and never really was transparent. Transparent enough to where they got a bit of my story to challenge them, to make them feel whole, and feel loved and warmed.
But really transparent to where I felt that way? not so much.
I think this is a calling out… for me… fearful yes.. who would it be?
But will I? yes I have too.
Thanks sis!!
its such a tough one, isn't it?
and yes, you will. i know you will!
Life is too short to pretend…especially when eternal relationships are at stake.
D-
no truer words spoken!
"that lone wolf in me can send the message "I don't need you" "
so very true.
which is why it is so important for us to be real with ourselves. no matter how awkward and uncomfortable it can be. i mean, if we cant with ourselves…we wont with others. however, its those "others" that can sometimes be hard to find. who do you trust? how do you know? like you, does it take a year disappearing to find out in the end who sticks around?
how different would we all be if we just genuinely put it all out there? how much stronger would our bond and communities be?
im sorry no one came to find you.
What's the saying?
Be the change you desire to see.
I'm workin' on it…
mmm…amen.
hi, red!
Are we really the kind of friends that we expect others to be to us?
In a surface way I am.
I am there for people when they need just about ANYTHING.
I watch EVERYONES kids at the drop of a hat AND feed them without question.
If someone asks for something, if it is in my power to do it, I will.
I volunteer for just about any job where I can serve or minister to moms.
I open my home to friends (after I clean it, of course!) for a fun night of fellowship.
I make it known I am willing to listen and help anytime.
But….
I don't take others up on their offers to help me with anything
I don't ask often for others to watch my kids, and when I do, I take food along to help out.
If someone asks me if I need something, my knee jerk response is to say no.
If someone volunteers themselves to help me with MY job, I say "thanks, but I'm good, really."
I don't often go to others houses when they have get togethers b/c I don't want to put my husband out by being gone on the TWO nights he is home a week.
I don't call someone when I need someone to listen to my REAL problems.
I don't like being vulnerable and it takes me a VERY long time to get to that point, so I really cherish those I can be vulnerable with. BUT, if I expect others to be real with me, I need to be real ALL THE TIME.
its hard work, exhausting, being real "all the time". in fact, is that truly even possible? sigh.
oh how i love you, bran. so very much!
It IS exhausting! Which is why I've kind of gone into "loner mode" the last couple of weeks. Sometimes I just need to be alone and process life changes and whatnot. ;o)
Love you too!
p.s. love you. ;o)
"Our strength comes from community… authentic caring for one another. Those are the glimpses of Heaven we long for. "
so much truth there!! that is great, friend!
do NOT apologize, cheryl. please. i love your friendship!
I love your friendship too!
Lately, I've been thinking a LOT about the kind of person I am in relationship—as a mother, a friend, a daughter, a partner—and am struck again and again by how much more about love and being loving there is for me to learn. I've been trying to view every relationship I'm in from the other person's perspective—who they see me as, what they need of me, not only, but what I can show them of love and strength and beauty.
I'm ashamed to see the ways in which I often fail to be even half of what i've promised.
And grateful, always, for their patience and love.
Your post has given me much to add to that thought process.
xoxj
i love how honest you are, friend. i miss you. and we've never met. how can that be?
must say something about your friendship, right? =)
"I'm ashamed to see the ways in which I often fail to be even half of what i've promised. "
me. too.
wow. Yep, I'm feeling a little convicted…..it's a good thing. Thanks for your honesty and pointing out something that so many of us need to think about and maybe even work towards being better at.
thanks rachel… i think i forever be convicted on this, too. as well as forever working on and thru it. but its worth it.