Today I wrote another chapter for my book. And I must say…it gave me a heart work-out.
I totally get why people conceal injustices.
While revisiting some very painful moments from my childhood I struggled writing them down – for so many reasons. Not so much that it was hard for me, personally. I don’t relive the memories anymore like I used to. In fact, during recall, I actually feel as if I’m hovering over the past moment, watching it unfold as a total outsider. I feel physically detached yet there is still a connect. It’s hard to explain, really. Perhaps one of you can identify and articulate this better.
But what I struggle with the most is wanting to protect the people who were around me and “involved” at that time.
I struggle with the thought that while I do not have to endure all those abuses anymore, there are countless of children who are suffering this very second. Children who are being beaten and molested and threatened. They are frightened and alone. Even in a sea of people…they are alone and terrified. I hate that. More than I can describe.
I struggle with how much to share. I know I have literary freedom. But I also love and respect my family. I want to protect them.
This process is harder than I imagined it would be. Yet, it is one of the most necessary things I have ever done…for me, my family and, hopefully, for those who will someday read it.
I’m praying that as God walks me through this process that He will have me write exactly what is necessary and beneficial for His sake, His children’s sake and His glory.
Please pray with me…
[Following is an excerpt from todays chapter]
The secrets continued on. The sexual abuse, the physical abuse.
“Tam, how come you’re using a pillow on your chair at the dinner table?”
Danny glares at me with his sparkling eyes from across the table.
“Oh, um, I fell off my bike on the way home from school today.”
No. Not really. I had just been beaten with Danny’s belt-buckle while bent over this very chair, naked, for a half-hour straight for forgetting to wash a drinking glass this morning. But if I tell you that, mama, he’ll kill you. That’s what he told me. And I don’t want you to die. So I will lie to you. I will keep this secret.
Wow.
I don't have a lot to say, but I wanted you to know I'm here, and I'm reading.
Your book is going to move hearts, Tam.
love you, my lil song-bird.
i love you, starfish… i'm praying for you and standing with you through this journey. i'm with JR — your book is going to move hearts…
help me stay with my goal. i want it done by summer. yes?
It’s going to be a life changer for sure! Praying for you!!
i am praying so. Lord, let it be.
::sigh:: i hate reading things like this…but not in the way most would think. it makes me reflect on myself & my past…and struggle with staying in the now. thank you. i can't wait to read this book. i've been praying for you through this process, you make me proud, which is weird since i don't really know you. ::hugs::
what is your struggle?…(if i may ask)
and you know how much i appreciate your prayers. hugs to you, sweet friend.
One of the first comments I ever left you was about this book. And how I knew it was going to be powerful, and help release many women out of the darkness of shame.
I haven't changed my mind. Where can I Pre-order?
I love you much, dearest. I am so proud of you, and praying you through this time.
wow. i can't believe you remember that.
i love you, jen. you've been here with me on this journey for a long time…thank you!
love you.
love you and keep on writing. it's beautiful and i know it's going to touch so many. <3
yes ma'am, i will. i am.
Keep writing, Tammy-Jo! If not for the book, at least for yourself. Get it all out on paper…let it flow without fear. You can always go back and edit out what you feel would hurt another, but in the writing, you will heal even more.
I'm praying for you.
amen and amen.
thank you, red.
I want to kick him. I love you.
Profound. I totally understand how you feel by writing and traveling back in time.
As I am writing Bloom Where You Are Planted I go back to the dark places, yet
this time I am in light. I am unscathed. I am no longer a victim. I am a survivor.
Ohhhhhh, it's too much. I don't have any words for that. But I will be first in line to buy your book when it's finished. And you are brave and so generous to share your story. Praying for you this morning…
(Also, though my story is different than yours, I've struggled with this question, too. Can I write about my deepest hurts without disrespecting my family and friends? It's hard. I don't have an answer.)
I'm sorry you had to endure that (I know you're not looking for sympathy, but…). And I love you for being willing to share and allow our perfect heavenly Father to change hearts and bring freedom through what you've been through and through your words. Praying for you sweet one.
He delights over you.
ugh. instant tears. I love you and I love that you tell your story. In some ways, knowing your past doesn't seem shocking to me anymore because I've known you for so long…. but reading details like this. I just want to hug you. And love you. Dangit.
The impression I got re-reading your excerpt is that 'keeping the secret' will no more 'kill' her now as it would have then. Isn't that the real lie? It may even be the vehicle to bring her LIFE instead, but I do understand your concern. I have been, am, and will continue to pray for you, especially about this.
D-
To clarify what I said before, it should have been: "keeping the secret" (by withholding the truth) will no more 'SAVE' her now (emotionally/spiritually?) than it would have then (literally – per Danny's 'threat' to keep you quiet and 'his' to do with as he wished). I'm sorry if I confused the issue. I usually take more time before responding, but hope it is received as intended – to help, not hurt.
I somehow missed this post (obviously a week ago now) before, but maybe that's a good thing, since few will probably come back to read this but you (and I'll understand if you want to edit it out).
Love to you all,
D-