I’m going to finish out the year with my top 10 posts of 2011. Yes, I realize that is when all of you click off and run outta here cuz you’ve seen it already. Fine…be that way 

But…I’m doing it anyway…

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Yes. There are pains involved with parenting. There are times when you want to run…run as fast as you can, as far away as possible. And if there happens to be a cliff involved you might consider a little jump.

Not just because a child or two has found your very last nerve. Sometimes you wanna run because you get scared. You become afraid of all the ways you might have messed your children up. Missed the best teaching and growing opportunities. Afraid of letting go – but knowing you have to.

There have been countless times when I have cried myself to sleep at nights, begging the Lord to erase from their memories any ridiculous words that came out my mouth or actions that spewed forth, if they were not going to build character…or mine. Yes, there are times when a parents failures serve as some of the best teaching moments. It’s often where humility and grace are best learned. Boy, do I know this.

My daughter is nearing her 18th birthday. My son just turned 15. I know what this means. It means the time is coming close when they will spread their wings and no longer be in this nest. It has all happened so fast. And so, now, I spend many nights crying myself to sleep because I know this time is inevitable, and I just want to freeze this moment.

They own my heart. That’s where they always are and always will be. Even when the day comes where they will no longer physically be near me.

So when they each gave me letters, that they wrote to me for my birthday last night, all these worries, fears and anticipations came to a sudden stop. I saw their words as a collection of years gone by…good and bad…but moments that have stayed with them and made them into the young adults they are becoming.

I am so proud of my kids. No, they are not perfect. I am not perfect. Brent is not perfect. We do things that would likely shock y’all. But we’re taking each day as it comes and doing the best we can with them. And I hope they do the same with their own kiddos some day.

[Family Photo by Alece]

It’s all worth it. Every single moment.

[Original post and comments here]

I’m going to finish out the year with my top 10 posts of 2011. Yes, I realize that is when all of you click off and run outta here cuz you’ve seen it already. Fine…be that way 

But…I’m doing it anyway…

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Our move across the country is layered with so many different memories and emotions. This is one part of that…

2011. I now live in Nashville, TN.

1990. I lived in Knoxville, TN.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the difference 20+ years can make.

The last time I lived in this state I was married to an abusive husband who held a sawed off rifle to me threatening to take my life only to end by taking his own.

Twenty-one years later I am back, living, in the same state. [but a completely different state of mind]

1990 = Frightened young little girl running for her life. Trying to find life and its meaning.

2011 = A grown up little girl embracing the gift of life…And meaning to live.

What a difference Mercy and Grace makes.

My Story Here

What’s your story?

[Original post and comments here]

I’m going to finish out the year with my top 10 posts of 2011. Yes, I realize that is when all of you click off and run outta here cuz you’ve seen it already. Fine…be that way 

But…I’m doing it anyway…

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These are my kiddos. The two babies I never thought I would have.

I mean, as a little girl, I always dreamed of having two children. One boy – one girl.

But in the time that was lived in the in-between…I thought I had ruined that dream. I was certain I wrecked any chance of ever having children.

Worse yet, I just knew God wouldn’t allow it.

After my second abortion, at the age of 17, I realized that I may have just destroyed my chances of having children in the future. Suffering through the recovery of this, near botched, procedure it occurred to me that the odds of me ever getting pregnant again might have become very slim.

Fast forward 6 years and I’m married and pregnant with my first child, Kassidi. Having not yet told a soul about my abortions, and certainly having not accepted Gods forgiveness or having the ability to even forgive myself, I was positive God would end this pregnancy for me. I know it’s not how He works. But my heart wasn’t working quite right, either.

Fast forward eight months and I’m delivering Kassidi one month early. I acknowledged the possibility that God may take her from me right then. He may let me see her then snatch her fast away. My rationale…she would be safer with Him – not me. Not someone who was capable of, and who had, short-changed lives in the past.

But He didn’t. He could have. He had every right. But, He didn’t.

Why? Because, thankfully, He does not think, or work, like we think or work.

My childhood dream of becoming a mother came true. But I had no idea then that I would be capable of nearly destroying it. No, I didn’t see that kind of me in my little girl daydream.

I do not know why I have been blessed with these two children. I really don’t. But I do know this…they are the most beautiful gifts I have ever received. Most assuredly undeserved.

What about you…what have you been given in life that just blows your mind every time you think about it?

[Original post and comments here]

I’m going to finish out the year with my top 10 posts of 2011. Yes, I realize that is when all of you click off and run outta here cuz you’ve seen it already. Fine…be that way 

But…I’m doing it anyway…

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I love being in Nashville. I love calling it home. I love this community and our Church. I love walking the streets of downtown. I love eating lunch with the kids on the water across from LP Field. I love discovering new hang-outs with my husband.

But there is a part of me that feels so lost.

I realize it more and more when we’re with groups of people. Interacting with others. Meeting new friends.

We’ve no history here. Nothing established. No routines.

And while we know a lot of local people from twitter and blogging, we don’t really know them. That is going to take time.

It’s such a conflict to feel like you fit in but have no idea where that specific fit is yet. Does that even make sense?

So many new discoveries. There is little that is similar to the life we left.

The places we go. Where we grocery shop. How we shop. Getting used to seeing different brand names. That’s still throwing me off. It’s kind of like I’m a foreigner in my own home. And, honestly, that part makes me laugh. I enjoy the newness. I like change. And, at the moment, there’s a whole lot of it =)

Don’t get me wrong…there isn’t one part of me that is sad, complaining or being pessimistic. Not at all. I’d expect that this would be part of the transition. I just didn’t think about it in the beginning of this journey.

And so each day my feet hit the floor with purpose…Discovering the new – and discovering me.

Any big changes in your life recently? Or changes to come? How have you faced it or how do you plan to?

[Original post and comments here]

I’m going to finish out the year with my top 10 posts of 2011. Yes, I realize that is when all of you click off and run outta here cuz you’ve seen it already. Fine…be that way 

But…I’m doing it anyway…

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Most of you know my story. You know about my first marriage that ended in a tragic suicide. You know about my postpartum depression after my children were born. You know about the sexual abuse endured as a child. You know about the physical abuse. The drugs. The alcohol. And, you know about the abortions…the topic that is closest to my heart. But, what you may not know is that I am not anti-abortion.

That is not my platform.

Yes…abortion is a terrible, cruel, form of birth-control. And that is exactly what I used it for…out of fear. I do not condone abortion. Not one bit. Please understand that.

But, the more I dig into writing my book, the more I connect with my hearts cry. And my hearts cry, the one thing that weighs on it the most, is people who live under the weight of sin when they need not to.

I lived so many years truly repentant of my choices yet unable to receive the forgiveness of my forgiving God. How that must grieve our Fathers heart.

Knowing that so many live under that same kind of weight truly grieves my heart, too.

We all make bad choices. It’s our nature. But often times it isn’t about the bad choices we make…it’s about how we let those choices make us. We end up living under guilt, shame, fear, low self-esteem, low self-worth and allowing our poor choices to dictate our character and who we become, ultimately, devaluing the person we were created to be.

Friends, this is no good. We were meant for more than this. And until we believe that, truly believe that, we will continue to shrink back behind poor decisions we’ve given false power to.

If God is for us then who, or what, could ever stop us?

Certainly God is bigger than our mistakes.

And this, this, is my platform…Embrace your potential and future instead of your failures and past.

What have you allowed to shape you that needs reshaping?

[Original post and comments here]

I’m going to finish out the year with my top 10 posts of 2011. Yes, I realize that is when all of you click off and run outta here cuz you’ve seen it already. Fine…be that way 

But…I’m doing it anyway…

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I don’t spend much time on this blog writing about my opinions on big issues. I write about things in life I have experienced…

Motherhood, marriage, fear, love, failure, abortions, abuse, happiness, grace, redemption.

I can share my perspective on those subjects. But I can not share anything on divorce. I’ve not been through one. Although I have a handful, plus, of people in my life at this moment who have been divorced, or are in the midst of one. I have seen the pain and anguish it can cause. I have also witnessed the freedom it has offered to a once abused spouse.

Divorce is a sticky subject.

A friend of mine recently shared a bit of her experience with divorce and said these words…

divorce is no more a sign of relationship failure than marriage is of relationship success.

Read that again.

Think about that for a second…

When I read that, I didn’t focus on the divorce half of the statement…cuz, again, I have not been through one. However, I did hone in to the last half of her words.

While a handful of my friends are divorced that doesn’t mean the several handfuls of friends who are not divorced have successful marriages. In fact, I know some of them don’t. And I’m guessing that, regardless of the appearance of blissful success, some of the others might just be one conversation away from the D-Word. Who knows.

So, if you are married, how do you measure success in your marriage?

How would you define a successful marriage?

If you are divorced, has your experience changed your view on marriage? Were there warning signs, that you can see now, you’re willing to share?

[Original post and comments here]

I’m going to finish out the year with my top 10 posts of 2011. Yes, I realize that is when all of you click off and run outta here cuz you’ve seen it already. Fine…be that way 

But…I’m doing it anyway…

**************************

“The Day I Told My Daughter”.

You’ve all read many times about this book I’m writing. I have shared a lot of my story with you here on this blog. Many of you I have been honored to have been entrusted with your very own story as we try to figure out this path to healing and freedom together. This has become a very special ministry to me. One I do not take for granted.

I, now, have the opportunity to take this ministry further. With the help of so many of you I have signed on with Westbow Press, a division of Thomas Nelson.

This means…I’m going to get published!

To say I am excited would be the most ginormously gigantic understatement in history!!

Westbow is a self-publishing company, which I am so ecstatic to be a part of!

Without your help, the help and love of my family, and all your prayers…we wouldn’t be here today. SO…

Thank You!

It is finally happening.

While I am a writer, I am a wife and mother first. As you all know our family is in the midst of an amazing growth period. We are being transformed in the way we think and live. It has required from us a whole other level of energy. And all of this must take precedence in my life.

However, my plan is to submit the manuscript this summer. Beginning. End. I don’t know. But, this summer. After that, it doesn’t take long for the book itself to be completed!

Can you believe this? I can’t!

My hope and prayer with this book is to be a source of truth and hope in the hands of all who read it. That it may be proof that God does forgive, that He is full of grace and mercy. That He is in the business of renewing. That He loves us enough to put down His almighty foot and say…It’s time to forgive yourself too!

Friends, it’s happening!!!

Please feel free to ask me anything, at any time, during this process. I’m an open book

Again…thank you for being a part of this very special part of our lives!

Edited to add on 12/24 that this book has taken a ginormous turn for the better, and I can’t wait to share it with you guys!

[Original post and comments here]