i was talking with my son tonight. about life. about past life. about past choices.
we were talking about how some movie stars curb their eating to trim down for a role, or up their eating to gain/beef up for a role. out of this conversation came my story of dancing with anorexia.
in 1991 i was flirting heavily with this disorder. by 1992 i was eating one meal a day with a nice, tasty laxative for dessert. by the fall of 1992 i was grossly underweight.
this was a time in my life where i, obviously, had a tarnished self-image…but also a time where i felt i had nothing of my own. no control over anything in my own life. but this one thing i had “control” of. it was mine and i was the only one who knew about it.
until the day i ended up in the e.r.
doubled over in pain, struggling to breathe, i waited for the test results. e.r. doctor came in, pulled the curtain, leaned into me and whispered in my ear….”i know what you’re doing. if you keep this up you’re going to kill yourself.”
unfortunately, that wasn’t enough to get my attention. not fully at least.
summer of 1993 i got pregnant with kassidi. my barely 100 lb, 5 foot 8 inch frame walked into my ob/gyn’s office for my first prenatal check up. my doctor looked at me and said… “if you want your baby to live – you need to quit this.”
my thought at that moment…
i’ve already shortchanged two other babies in my life. there is no way i am willingly, selfishly, going to hurt another.
that day changed everything.
kassidi saved our lives.
and this just occurred to me tonight.
wow.
think about your life now. can you recall a time where you were changed, saved?
Your honesty, transparency and strength is going to help so many other women dealing with these issues. Thank you for being so open about it all.
As for moments where I was changed, I'd say the first morning I woke up alone in my apartment after my first marriage fell apart and the first thing I didn't have was my son rushing in to yell "good morning Daddy!" Made me realize I needed to work on the issues that brought about the end of the marriage so i could focus on being the best dad I could in the time I would get with them.
i cant imagine what that moment must have been like for you.
im so sorry.
Im proud of you!
Me too!
What Brent said!
I think that I could relate a story with all 4 of my kids where their being born has, at least altered, if not saved, my life. Elijah is the only kid who was born with me being an "active" follower of Christ. The others were born when I was a FAKE….I would be convicted to change things…..for them…..and I'd change, avoid catastrophes and slip back into that life again. Praise God for patience and second (and third and fourth, etc.) chances.
and praise God that you are the daddy you are today. that is what those kiddos need now…you. in there here and now. and youre there.
well done, friend!
I love and admire you heart so much. Thank you for always be so transparent and so honest. Sending you much love from the Carolinas.
i love carolina love!!
you know…since i shared everything with kota im finding it easier to be even more open here.
its been very freeing.
Thank You, Seriously.
I can't even put into words what your constant testimony about life does for me.
Thank You
you are welcome, theresa.
thats all i hope for, by putting my story out there, is that it helps, encourages, challenges, inspires…whatever its supposed to do to/for others.
I love your heart and your transparency…
Hmm… my stroke 2007, was a huge "saving" time for me. I reached out for the first time. I started blogging then. met you.
At that time, I really grasped on because of self writing like yours above, that life was not how I always felt.
but it was because God had wove people and people's lives to save mine and make me stronger, complete, and HONEST, and challenging.
God I believe CREATED Kassidi just for that for you. (that gives me goosebumps) God is so good!
wow. i remember your stroke. seems like a lifetime ago. you've come a long way!
i often wonder how much ive missed in life that were/are miracles, life-lines, "second chances". im sure the number is unending.
Yes- Absolutely… My times of transformation have felt so slow. They have been like I am the butterfly in the cocoon forever. Even during this season of my life the Lord has been bringing me into and intense round of healing. He has been allowing me to look at the difficult time in my life and admit how hard they have been. I am coming out changed, really changed. But there was a summer when I was 19. I was angry at God. I had tried to run away from him my first year in college. Sometimes you don't have any clue that abuse isn't normal until you don't live in it anymore. I had sat in a counselors office that year when she confirmed that my life had not been normal. I thought I was going crazy. I thought that it was normal and I was not. But the abuse was real. Physical and emotional. Emotional abuse is an insidious monster that manipulates and brings shame. I had bought my ticket to college and ran away from the whole situation. I was never going back. My Dad called me broken. My Mom and my sister were dying. One from a suicide attempt the other from a physical disability. He had lost his job. Could I come home? Could I support the family once again? I still have no idea why I said yes. But I did. I said just for the summer. I had no emotional support. I was dating a ridiculous guy at the time. Physical affection did not solve anything. My heart was a small stone attempting to keep the world out. I crumpled that summer. One night on my knees. I prayed this simple prayer, "I need some help. God if you are there I need some peace." And then nothing happened and everything. Not one circumstance changed. There was still death around the corner. However, my heart of stone had been exchanged for one of flesh. I felt a wave of hope wash over me. In my weakness there was strength. I had never tried to not do it on my own before. After that God broke me. I had made a vow in 4th grade to never ever cry in front of anyone ever again. But, now the tears flowed freely. I hated it at the time. But- now I was weak… no longer strong and this was a very good thing….
Putting yourself out there is hard… Thanks for asking……
"Sometimes you don't have any clue that abuse isn't normal until you don't live in it anymore. "
that is so true. dysfunction becomes our normal. especially when that is all we're subjected to.
all i can say is that im glad you are coming out on the other side completely aware of who you are and Whose you are.
that is a beautiful gift, right there.
i love how you are breathing new life into your story… how God is taking you on this journey and revealing things as you step into more of your story. I LOVE it!
What is cool is that as you are stepping forward, blooming… it's impacting your family (like the last post w/Kass singing that amazing song, and Kota being such an integral part of you sharing your story in a previous post)…. girl, it is REALLY cool.
jenny….it means so much to me that you see this. thank you! and your words are like buckets of encouragement being poured over me.
i am seeing everything differently right now, too. its been pretty cool. i really was totally clueless that i had so much more "telling" to do before i'd be released even more to write and share.
The thing that came to mind was when my boyfriend broke up with me in 2001. It devastated me and took me months to be able to see the grace of God in what I thought had been that boy's selfish decision. I was too close to the forest to see how rotten the trees were…
Wow, God's great. I like to think I would have eventually woken up and "seen" it all for what it was, but I don't know how long that would have taken. And what would have happened to my heart in that time that it took for me to wake up.
I believe that God knew my heart, and the desire with which I longed for His will. So He said to that boy, "Break up with her, now, cause she's NOT yours."
And when I lifted up my eyes to the hills, from where my hope comes from… I saw Jesus. And then I saw Nick.
i love how much you love nick.
its beautiful!
Wow… Just wow.
I'm trying to think of what "saved" me – I think Drew had/has a lot to do with that.
When I was a teenager, I had a migraine for two and a half years (continuous with only about a 12 hour spot where it went away after a hospital stay) during that time I had to quit school and spent most of my time in the hospital, the doctors office, or at home in bed on so much prescription medicine that I still don't remember large chunks of time. I was very depressed watching my friends lives seeming to go on without me………looking back on that time, I realize that almost every single one of my friends left the church and started down destructive life paths, the school that I had been attending had some major issues that I wasn't aware of that came to a head during my illness and I was spared living through that, and because of gettting my GED early I started working at a store where I later met the man who would become my husband. That two and a half years of pain have a lot to do with who I am today, saved me from a lot of pain of a different kind, and drove me to the arms of Jesus.
tracie….what a fabulous story! i mean, i am bummed you had pain for so long buti think youre totally right…your pain was your gain, so to speak. and i love that you are choosing to see it as that. its a healthy perspective, really.