I owe you an apology.
I may have had surgery last week.
K. I did have surgery last week. It was minor though. But surgery nonetheless.
A few weeks ago I landed in the ER in excruciating pain. Like, labor pain on steroids, excruciating.
Culprit: Gall Bladder.
I am now down, yet another, organ.
Why am I apologizing? Well, my son, Kota, asked me if I had said anything about it on line. I told him, no. He asked my why so I told him the truth…I didn’t want to make a deal of it.
His response:
Mom, in some way you could have inspired someone. What if someone wanted to pray for you.
Heart = Crushed + Convicted = This post.
I heard my very own voice in my head having similar discussions with others who’ve kept things to themselves…
You took an opportunity for me to serve you away. I could have been praying.
I would say the same to any of you if I found out you withheld something like that. Even as minor as my withholding was.
And my real reasoning for withholding…The honest, icky, truth: Pride.
Me not wanting to make a big deal of it was ultimately me placing everything back on me.
Self. Selfishness. Pride.
You see the pattern?
So, I’m just calling myself out here, y’all.
And I’m sorry.
The surgery went well. I am healing and feeling much better. I received great care. And I’m almost back to normal. Well, hopefully a better normal 
Now…I’m gonna open up this space for free discussion. But I will prompt it with a question.
Why do you think people want to “go it alone”? Or are they really wanting to? In fact, you can psyche me and this situation if you want. Just be nice. Or I’ll block ya.
Love you. And now that my mouth is no longer HANGING OPEN nor my mind racing with "are you okay?!?!" I can answer your question. ;o)
I "go it alone" a lot because I don't want to impose on anyone else and I don't like being vulnerable or needing help. Prayer, fine. But help or pity or advice or nosey questions I don't feel like answering, I don't like. So sometimes instead of just saying something like "I don't feel like talking about it right now" I just avoid it altogether and tell about it AFTER THE FACT. Plus, it takes me awhile to process what is going on around me or with me.
I have been checking back everyday and I EVEN texted you this morning b/c you have been on my heart for about a week. Strange.
Again, love you.
I got your text and thought … " i know exactly what she is trying to tell me."
thank you for that too, bran. it meant a whole lot to me.
i love you so much.
mmmm…. love you too! big big hugs!
I totally get that. Just recently I have some close friends that I've told why I don't like to rely on others, and now they're keeping me accountable. It's hard
once you admit it then people know your secret and keep on you about it! ;o)
i am minus my gall bladder too. God is faithful to put you on hearts and we pray for you anyway =) love ya, and Happy Eating!
faithful, indeed! and so glad for that.
lets start a gall bladderless club, ya?!!
I'm glad you came out and made your surgery publix here.
I see where Kota's ultimate wisdom is mind blowing.. (you and Brent are doing well.)
To answer your question: I am like you 110% in this department. I am so guarded with my private life WHEN IT PERTAINS TO ME!!!
My family stuff, my marriage, kids, career, or ministry I'll tell you ALL about it.
But about Heidi.. about me. I don't For me:
It's about trust.
It's about me looking weak
It's about the attention I don't want.
It's about I'm cranky!
It's about being a burden
Mostly : if I am down who will help them?
praying at the surf
Love ya sis!
oh sis… i get this. all of it.
and i know where all of those things are coming from in me.
where do you think theyre coming from in you? like, the main cause of it?
my upbringing was the root of the most of it.
I was raised with the assumption. " The only person who can really take care of you is YOU." Don't trust "fake pretentious" people. "People, bad people will hurt you over and make you fail over again." "dramatics are for the 1.00 movie!"
ooooOh that just raised the hairs on the back of my neck, hearing the voice so clear from my memories
Now that I am in my mid 40's and a Christ follower; of course that's absurd in unhealthy standards.
I am slowly allowing the flow of people in my life.
But when you've become your own enabler, it's a day to day cycle to surrender to God.
day to day!
Tam You know I'm a prayer warrior and you know you are a very big part of my family so I will pray that God will completely heal you.
and i appreciate that so much, andy. thank you!
Busted.
But glad you are feeling better.
I think you… I dunno. I think you are self-sacrificial. I think you put your needs aside for other people. I think that's something that's been in you for a lonnnng time, and maybe not for the right reasons. But for whatever reason, it's a part of who you are. And you don't do drama. And you don't whine. And you don't make a big deal out of your own health junk–and this gall-bladder thing falls into the category of "health junk" that you deal with. So why talk about it? You don't talk about the rest of it.
That's all I think about that.
So, did you go after today with a vengeance? And did you get a lot done?
i love you, friend. so much!
my monday was mostly owned. i got a project done. i started laundry AND cooked dinner. for me, after this surgery – i was happy about this.
Mandy hit it right on the head!!
What she said because she said exactly what I was thinking so no point repeating it. Well put Mandy! Thanks for giving words to my thoughts
mandy: hammer
tam's issue: nail head
*BAM!*
;o)
i kinda read between the lines (so to speak) so this does not come as a shock. I am thankful you are feeling better and have been praying for you since i heard about the er trip. i don't think you should beat yourself up over this. i don't know that i would even really call it pride. having lived with chronic health issues for many, many years, i have found for the most part that many people, although they may ask,"how are you" really don't want to know. I mean , really, really know. So, for myself, i often do not discuss these issues. Some of my very best friends that I have known for years have been shocked to find out my diagnoses, because i have gotten to the point where i don't let them define me. Yes i live with it. Yes, some days are really,really hard,but when i can't walk it on my own, that's when God carries me. I also have found that life is not about me and my drama. i nearly lost my husband and my family due to it so in my view, sometimes the less said about it the better.
its a hard balance, i guess.
i have a chronic illness too and sometimes i just get sick of hearing myself, ya know. so my guess is that we are thinking about it way differently than others will receive it.
exactly.
don't get me wrong. i really am not cynical about it. i am just realistic about it. those who really know me well, know when i am in a bad way, and they pick up the slack and cover me. those who don't won't because i normally don't share. it just gets really old. i am just over being the victim, then the "i don't know how you do it" and all of that. i really just want to serve God, serve others and be who God has called me to be. When He wants me to slow down, He slows me down. Then, if there is BIG stuff, we talk about it.
I feel ya on this. we can have an unspoken prayer pact…i'll pray for your health schtuff and you can pray for mine. we just don't have to talk about it unless we want/need to. (we all have our days)
You have my sympathies!! Gallbladder pain is the worst I have ever experienced. So glad you were able to have it resolved promptly.
think people go it alone sometimes because it’s embarrassing to let other people know your marriage is in trouble, or you’ve gained too much weight, or you’re in financial strain. I know I haven’t blogged about things because I didn’t want it to sound like I was begging, or complaining, or whatever.
Since you’re confessing, I will too. I only blogged briefly after the fact, but Adam and I have “bought” land and are building a house. Reason I didn’t ask for prayerthrough the process? It was too hard to explain that my mother was putting up the money for it all because the banks won’t loan us the money because of our six children. Financially, we can afford it, and they acknowledge that, but they have to go by their calculator. Or something. Anyway, I felt awkward asking for prayer that my mother’s bid would be accepted. Even though we will be paying it, and will have it transferred when we can, I felt that I wasn’t being totally honest by saying “Adam and I are buying a house”. So I didn’t say anything.
ohmy. yah, that would've weighed heavy on my heart too. i understand. 3 1/2 years ago brent and i lost our home and had to file bankruptcy…it was the hardest thing to share. but we found that people were way more understanding than we thought they'd be. you'd be surprised, jen.
love you.
I hope you are fully healed. At least that is one less organ you have to worry about.
I do hang with a slightly older crowd, where any operation is an excuse to show off yet another scar. I don't really find any of these trophies particularly inspiring.
I am a loner by nature, my guess is that's the result of a childhood spent mostly by myself.. My perceived neglect lead to an attitude of "If no cares about me, than I won't care about anyone else." Fear and low self-esteem are a part of this as well.
When I was around 10 I started having stomach pains. I told no one. It wasn't until I fainted in the bathroom that I was rushed to the Hospital with an appendix that almost burst.
I think pride and fear are the biggest reasons we go it alone.
ed – you have a way of sharing things so deep, so simply with others. it sure is good to know you, ed.
and i agree…pride and fear are nasty lil buggers!
"one less organ to worry about"
totally made me giggle out loud!
Oh Tam. Thank you for sharing. Even now. Love you friend. And praying for continued healing and strength.
thank you for praying, randi. im glad i shared it. it was good to confess.
and how are you friend?
That's what we're here for girl.
And I'm doing ok, thanks. On holidays. Have had some high-highs and some very low-lows. Looking forward to returning home on Sunday.
low-lows. ick. was there anything good that came out of them?
Any good? Learned…. Always be prepared for disappointment? Living on the other side of the country is a blessing?
Really though. "Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30
I, too, have gone through the gallbladder gauntlet and am minus mine. All I have to say is, how can one tiny organ cause so much horrific pain??
As for your question, I know I don't say much anymore about my own "stuff" because I assume people don't care. I'll be honest – I've learned in the past two years that people I thought were good friends were actually only pretty superficial friends. Not superficial as in shallow, more like not the strong developing friendships I thought they were becoming. We've had such a hard time financially (and really, who wants to talk about that in public?) and with major life changes adding a 3rd child and then finding out Ethan has Type 1 diabetes, it still hurts deeply that hardly anyone asks if we're doing ok. I guess all of that is to say that I haven't shared lately because that loss of friendship (or perhaps it's just realizing that it was never as much of a priority to them as it was to me)…it still stings.
oh julie…i had no idea. at all. im so sorry.
i get what you say about friends that you thought were deeper. thats a tough sting to come across, indeed.
i would so love to get together with you soon!
so i replied to this last night and for some reason it didn't show up.
i hate that this has happened to you. and sadly, i can relate.
please lets get together soon??
"…because I assume people don't care. I'll be honest – I've learned in the past two years that people I thought were good friends were actually only pretty superficial friends."
That's been a lot of my experience, too. I'm not hunting somebody that WANTS me to whine and moan and groan, but there's a different feeling to it when somebody really cares, even if only a few words are swapped.
I have to ask. Is gall bladder pain worse than labor pains?
I had both my kids naturally without any drugs at all and i have to say, yes…it was way worse than labor pains!
I have already fussed at you by text so I won't fuss here
I will just reiterate that the people in your life who love you, want to pray for you and help carry you during the moments when it hurts too much to carry yourself. I, however, should not talk because I am notorious for keeping things to myself. I "don't want to be a bother to anyone" but honestly some days I'm afraid to say anything because at times it feels like so much and if I start talking I may never shut up and then I will be the annoying, needy girl and nobody wants to be the annoying, needy girl not even the annoying, needy girl (that was the longest run on sentence in the history of blog commenting. Lindsey Nobles would be appalled 
) Anyway, I'm glad you are healing and I'm glad you've learned your lesson. I trust next time you will let your extended family know so we can be praying. Although it looks like my heart was not the only that who had you in mind this week, without knowing exactly why; next time we'd like to know why. Love you girl!
see! you and i are alike. so, there!
and, i love you. so much.
During my ulcer saga (which is continuing – had a scope & biopsy just yesterday!), they discovered that my gall bladder is full of stones….and some are HUGE!! So, unless they dissolve on their own accord, I may be going the same path as you.
As for sharing, sometimes I feel I share a lot. But then I realise that I'm not "really" sharing at all. It's just surface sharing. I don't share myself with many people at all. Most of the times I have, I've been burnt. I don't rely on others for much at all either. I'm just too afraid of being let down – again.
But I must say that knowing people were praying for me yesterday (and have been for the whole time I've been unwell) made yesterday a breeze. I wasn't nervous in the least (which is quite unlike me when it comes to things like this!)
Glad you're on the mend, Tam. xxxx
its so hard when we choose to be vulnerable with others, which isn't easy, and then some abuse that. i'm sorry, friend.
when will you hear back from your biopsy?
I have the pre-lim results already, which I can't understand, so I'm going to google them before going to my GP
The biopsy results should be ready when I meet with the specialist in 2 weeks.
Pretty sure everything's ok, but then why take a biopsy when there's nothing to biopsy?
But then, I didn't see the specialist in post-op, which he said I would if there was anything serious.
Thinking about the whole sharing thing again, I find that the things that are closest to me, I hardly talk about at all, while non-essential things, I'm fine to discuss. With most of my friends I barely talk about my health at the moment, but the ones that know what's going on actively follow me up. Our senior pastor's wife chased me down at church last night to find out how things were progressing – she's been keeping an eye on me too. It's nice to know
Been there, done that!! When Amanda was in 5th grade. So about a million years ago! And for a while I was sure the cure was worse than the pain! Where does that dang pride junk come from anyway??!! I already KNOW I'm self-centered, but usually in an-in-your-face-so-im-not-alone way. Not in a i-dont-want-anyway-to-pray-for-me way!!
The power of prayer across this internet community is so huge, I cannot wrap my head around it! I am NOT alone. I refuse to isolate. I want to admit I depend on God. For every blessing, no matter how big or small. And this community is HUGE!! Use it to the best (and worst) of your ability. You took us cross-country with the move, why not through gall bladder surgery!!??
shellie, thank you for that. this was perspective i really needed to see. and i'm glad you knew you could share it. love you.
thank you for sharing. I'm not good about sharing my own health issues, because I find they make people really uncomfortable, and not sure how comfortable I feel with sharing them so I only share bits and pieces.
So thankful you are ok.
If I shared all my "negative things", I'm pretty sure that nobody online would think I'm very cool, or that I'm an expert, or that I'm a studly manly man, etc. You all would realize that I'm often just a frightened, lonely, sad, depressed, tired, discouraged little boy stuck inside a body that wishes it was able to play more and harder than it really is.
So I just share the cool stuff that makes me look good. I talk about the things I'm good at, or that somebody else is good at. While I claim to be "real", "authentic", and "genuine", I know exactly how to filter things so that my REAL demons are never exposed.
So, yeah, I carry a lot inside that nobody knows. I hurt physically and emotionally and spiritually and I can't let down the walls enough to tell anybody about it, largely because I don't trust anyone to really care.
I don't want to be a victim. I want to be a solution. After all, crying, whining, depressed Christians make Perry Noble get upset, and I don't want to be that kind of guy.
Just the truth.
bernard, you exposed yourself here. so you can, and did very well, express yourself and be honest. and i certainly dont think youre a whiney ass for having done so. in fact, now that i know some of these things, in all honesty, i just may be on your butt when i catch you being "genuine"
Ha! Someday we'll actually, like, occupy space in the same Starbucks, introduce ourselves, and you'll see that I really am a cool, studly manly man, and all the "genuine" nonsense will be blown to the wind… You know, since you only live like, 4 hours away now instead of 24.
Then my wife will tell you how weird I really am and all hope will be gone.
I put up a pretty good front, in other words.
Hope you feel lots better soon, btw.
so glad you are healing well. my whole family has this same "condition" of not letting people know about stuff like that. And, all this time I thought it was a "southern" thang.
ha! i think its definitely a human flaw
Thank you for sharing.
Its so funny how even in this “age” of super fast technology and having an expansive circle of people in life because of this lovely technology…so many of us are still so stinkin independent. I am SO bad about keeping my heart and what’s going on with me so close to my chest. It usually takes so much to get me to spill my guts and even people that are the closest to me sometimes don’t know what’s really going on in my life.
Last month, God showed up in a huge way to let me know the importance of allowing others into my life. My dad was suddenly put in the hospital and I had to go home right away and had NO WAY of doing that on my own. By asking for help and letting people know what was going on, I had help coming out of the most unexpected places…even strangers that had no clue who I was not only blessed me but also my dad. It was an amazing time of seeing community come together. Such a great reminder that we are not meant to be islands.
marjorie, im sitting here with a huge smile over how the community came to you and served. that is exactly how it is supposed to happen. i wish we would let it more often tho
how is dad?
Yeah. I'm choosing to make that an "altar" moment in life…gotta keep remember God's faithfulness and how He desires to provide for us.
Dad is doing pretty good. He is in kidney failure and has started dialysis…but that is SO much better than having him in his last moments. And being able to share with him how much God provided has seemed to reignite his realizing that he needs God (which I haven't seen in SO long)
See, I don't think there's a thing to apologize for. People share or withhold for so many reasons. Most people in my world don't know everything that's going on in my life. In fact, there is a VERY small handful of people who do know EVERYTHING. My reasons for not sharing more? Well one, it's none of their business. Two, there are a lot of people who really DON'T know how to handle "negative" news. I really don't want sympathy. Or pep talks. Or negativity disguised as sympathy. Or advice. I don't want them for the biggest reason of all: I am totally and completely fine and taken care of. Really. I genuinely have absolutely everything I need, so much so that negative news doesn't feel negative to me any more. Oh, I have moments, but they're very brief. Me asking for help or sympathy and (I'm gonna go out on a religious limb here) prayer (I'm saying for me personally–I am in no way applying this as a rule for the masses) is really unnecessary because there is nothing I don't have. Truly. We have heard how many sermons in our lives? telling us we already have everything that we need from God, so why do we act as though we don't? Well … I hit that place. The place where I really do have EVERYTHING I need and I know it. Most people aren't there. Most people would assume I was at some low and needed filling up. And there is no way to explain. I really don't want sympathy, because sympathy assumes that the news and event is bad. I don't see it as bad. So I don't tell a lot of people. All that being said, though, I DO have close friends who I trust to know me, my story, and where I'm at. They know everything. I can rely on them to be in this positive place with me and just pat my shoulder when I get tired now and then.
In your case, I think there's a somewhat similar thread: you want your life to be about the joys, not the sorrows. So you magnify the joys and minimize the sorrows. Nothing wrong with that. I can identify. I also think no one has a right to you. You are yourself. Share what you want when you want, but do it for YOU. There are LOTS of things about God that he keeps secret. LOTS. Secrets are fine. Withholding is sometimes not withholding. Know yourself and be at peace with who you are. You are loved for every single bit of it.
i love you.
had to get that out first
i see what you are saying here. and with your specific situation…totally makes sense. completely get that you have arrived there. and glad you have.
would love to catch up with you soon! you know you always have a room with us crazies!
I'm glad you're okay! I've been hurt in the past because people didn't share things with me, things I could have helped with and prayed for. But at the same time, I know that sometimes it's hard to ask or tell. Sometimes it's hard to ask again when you've asked so many times before, or sometimes it's just hard to say the words out loud. That's actually how I've felt recently about a situation in my life – asking for prayer means admitting the situation exists, and I'm not quite ready for that yet.
But again, I'm just glad to hear you're all right!
admission is risky. every time. praying, mary…
First of all…glad it all went well.
Second…I am totally a go at it alone type of guy. I am not big on opening up or really ever wanting to share my feelings because usually when I do, it just upsets the apple cart and it is totally not worth it.
Ironically, I am usually the one people come to and share with. Just one of those weird things.
" it just upsets the apple cart and it is totally not worth it. "
but that stinks. i cant stand that that is your truth.
:/ im making a scrunchy face.
Sidebar to this…this does fall a little differently with my wife and kiddo….outside that though, different story.
Plus, like the scrunchy face attempt
'Glad I have an 'inside informant' (your father-in-law – since we minister with him regularly now =). Your 'online silence' speaks very loudly too!
No need is insignificant, especially with your health history, but that's true for us all no matter how healthy we may seem (or think we are). There are realities that we all want to deny at times (there's a good post and comments about 'denial' on Michelle's 'Consider Jesus' blog) but the Word speaks of life's uncertainies that we not only need to accept but seriously consider often to live our lives 'circumspectly'. I'm listening to a message by David Platt (wrote the book, Radical) that deals powerfully with that as it relates to the tornadoes this past spring (http://www.brookhills.org/media/series/tornadoes-and-the-trustworthiness-of-god/).
I think we all have to recognize (and admit) our weaknesses (needs) for His power to be made perfect through them (and sometimes that 'power' comes through other people). Good insights from 'Kota too =)!
Thanks for sharing,
D-
"and sometimes that 'power' comes through other people"
exactly. and that is why kotas words got me so much. y'all are right. and i was glad to be told!
do you have people close enough in your life to whom you can share those things with??
I have a lot of medical friends so usually they get my anxieties before I've even seen a GP (family doctor). But as my Mum is desperate for grandchildren and I'm her only child, I've kept most of it a secret from her as much as possible.
A lot of my friends do know things, and I've written bits and pieces on my blog but struggle to admit how much I'm struggling or what needs prayer because I find it kinda humiliating. And also because I'm constantly fighting the little voice I know is not from God telling me it's punishment because of the choice I made when I was 17.
For me I tend to keep things in because I don't want others to worry over me, especially family. I always felt this pressure to be the strong one. I guess it's really pride, but it also makes me uncomfortable when someone hovers and worries over me. Glad you are on the mend.
"hovers and worries over me"
it almost adds stress. i understand. and im sure im guilty of doing the same
Convicted. Wow. First – Hope you really and truly are feeling well. Second – I'm not a regular poster……so please forgive my jumping in.
)
God bless you. 
I am so totally convicted……that was a slap of truth right in the face… About 3 years ago I pretty much fell off the planet, for almost a year, to everyone who knew me with the exception of a small handful of people. I started experiencing pain in one arm…within a few short weeks it had spread throughout every limb/joint in my body. I was incapacitated and couch bound…I could do nothing but sit and watch….my mind wouldn't work, my hands couldn't hold things, my speech was slurred and my doctor was confused. Long story short – because I didn't have answers to questions I knew people would ask…because I was stuck in my pride and didn't want the attention…….I made my husband promise not to share what was going on until we had answers – which took months. It wasn't fair. Here this wonderful man was working full time, taking care of things here at home that I couldn't do and watching his wife suffer without relief….sometimes having to feed me because I couldn't use my hands. …and i left him without outside help because of my pride…..and I shorted many people from an opportunity to be used to bless our family, to pray, ….perhaps even an opportunity for God to use my circumstance to minister to someone else…
Thanks for opening up. Thanks for sharing. I owe the Lord and my husband a heartfelt apology.
(I'm okay now – the answer that finally came…food sensitivity. God is good and His plans are amazing.
Thanks Tam.
i am so glad you are okay!! what was the food culprit? those are some crazy side effects, tho…wow.
Thanks
. Food culprit – chemicals in processed food….a list of about 100 that all connect in one way or another to MSG. yep, crazy but the result is a VERY healthy diet. haha! 
Glad things went well and you're healing quickly.
Mama had that surgery in 2000. It went well, but getting the proper diagnosis almost cost her her life! Really! We really got a nasty scare! But, God is faithful Tam. God bless – praying for you all.