Here are my thoughts. Take it or leave it. Love it or hate it.
Unedited…
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Hurt…in one word…hurts.
We all experience hurt. It is unescapable. It is a part of life. It comes in multiple levels.
One seems easier. Stay where you are. It’s all you know. It’s your normal.
One requires no work. It takes work to heal. To move on. To forgive. To focus on the future and not the past. To choose to trust again.
Outsiders often encourage the hurt by justifying. Babying. “It’s ok. You’re the victim here.” They’re enablers. And, often times, they have no idea that they are enabling. It is no fault of theirs.
We get comfortable with attention, regardless if it’s negative or positive. Attention is attention. It intrigues people.
Others reach out to the hurt because they know it’s right. The good in them compels them to want to help.
The victim receives that extension, and it is beneficial for a season. Often times, that season extends beyond its practical length. And, in turn, becomes a crutch and a comfort.
In all reality, you can become addicted to hurt. Some may feel that the only way they can get attention is by ”playing the victim”.
It’s not healthy. It’s manipulative. It can stunt emotional and spiritual growth. Ultimately, I believe that none of us truly desire that.
I realize this a very strong post. But, hear me out. Wait… read me out. I would never write this, had I not lived it myself. This would be an opinion if I were an outsider looking in. But, this was once me.
{This post was inspired by recent messages from Cross Point Church}
Agreed. I lived there once too – for WAY too long I might add. It really is true that most of the time we have to pick ourselves up by the bootstraps and decide to move on. It is SO not fun and it hurts but I am living proof
(ruh, roh) – living proof……that if you decide to move past the hurt into a new future, it creates such a healthier 'you' and improves all the relationships around you. This post was a great reminder to me to never go back to that place and I pray that reading this helps someone out today who may need to move past the hurt no matter how hard it seems. (Hugs) – Melissa
"a healthier 'you' and improves all the relationships around you."
that is such a true statement, Mel.
and i am so glad you chose to pick yourself up by your bootstraps.
i don't think any of us are exempt from those feelings – it's just a matter of what we choose to do with them. for me, it always goes back to, 'what's motivating me to make these choices?'
as someone who used to live in victim mode quite comfortably, my perspective is this: you either choose to do the hard work to get better and over it or you choose to live in the place of selfishness and sick attention that it feeds you. growth hurts, but it's also an indicator of something not being dead.
"growth hurts, but it's also an indicator of something not being dead"
this is going on twitter right now.
yes. and yes.
I like your honesty. I love your honesty. Thank you for sharing this. I've been there too, on both sides of the story.
thank you for helping me to not edit myself out of my own words.
love you, mandy pants.
This post is really God -sent. I must confessm playing the victim has its benefits..u know u get all the attention, love and sometimes everyone is at ur beck and call. But for how long? They won’t do it forever cos they are humans and would naturally get fed up.
I’m grateful i read this write-up bcos this is definitely an encouragement to me. And even though i often engage in the “victim-playing game”, i want to totally reach the finish line and by God’s strength i will.
God bless the composer of this article
i totally get this. i loved being the victim for a long time. you've heard it before…negative attention is still attention.
and yes…you will, with Gods strength-and receiving it, reach that finish line =)
Lord bless you!
Taking responsibility for the pain we've caused, and the pain we've endured, is necessary for real growth.
Not doing either will keep us stunted until we're ready to see reality…and recognize we can be our own worse enemy.
Step Four in any "Get Healthy" program: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Thanks for speaking hard…and strong. Love you, Tam.
do you think that living in a state of dysfunction, negative attention and such, becomes our reality? therefor it is justified?
it is such a vicious cycle. and so many outsiders help to foster it. this was true in my own life, for sure.
hope you are doing well, red! love you, too.
I think it's all a process…and we can't be too hard on anyone. Just because we might have begun to understand the "joy of the Lord" doesn't mean everyone else has. And yes, some people are stuck on negative over things we can't see. We can't ever truly know anyone's story…completely. We need to be honest with ourselves, but remember, it's a personal journey. We can't shake up another into the reality of grace and joy. Jeremiah was thought of as "negative"…but oh, what a man of God! I choose to give people the benefit of the doubt and meet them where they are…and then, hopefully, to show them the joy that comes from following God.
Thank you from speaking truth from the heart.
=)
and always feel free to challenge my thinking. while this post is my experience doesn't mean it is for everyone you know. i have to be careful. sometimes i feel like im too harsh :/
This is a poignant message, and a challenging task I too am facing. Healing from divorce, hurts and forgiving are much harder than I expected them to be…
Karen, I've been there too…. just remember that forgiveness is not an emotion or feeling, it's an action. It doesn't mean reconciliation etc, but setting yourself free to let God carry out His work in both you and the person who hurt you. Unforgiveness just hurts us. I have to choose it every day, just cause HE says so… =)
i'm sorry, karen.
you wrote a key word here…"healing".
you didnt say "trying to", "hoping to", "need to", "would like to"…you used it in present tense, "healing". That says so much.
proud of you.
YES!!! Man, this is good! You really put into words something I have been witnessing in a dear friend. Wasn't sure why it was bugging me so much…well, it's because I've been there too! Would love to hear this sermon. What was the title?
the sermons are a culmination of our current series and the last one. honestly, you could go through the site and pick on any one of those and you'd find right away why it provoked my thoughts here.
http://www.crosspoint.tv/media/
i've been so guilty of both. and right now i am trying to learn how to be "pain free" lauren and not feel guilty about it. knowing that He healed for me to dance in the story He's penning.
thanks for sharing. . .raw and unedited. love you.
i love how you wrote this lauren…'dance in the story He's penning.'
i hope every day you dance more and more.
yes.
I am still in the process of working through the hurt of my past and you are right….it is hard. Very hard. Sometimes, working through the pain actually increases the pain for a season. But, it is so worth it when you begin to experience the freedom on the other side of it that only Jesus can give. Moving out a a victim mentality and into a more-than-a-conqueror mentality is liberating and necessary if we want to be in authentic relationship with our Father.
yes!! you hit it on the nail here. it's true…sometimes it hurts even more for a time. but that doesn't mean it isn't the right thing to do.
I am glad you're in the process. that you're "in it". there's so much hope in that!
Been there until God yanked my chain. What I have been through pales in comparison to many people, but the only way to see that is to first stop looking at self. Does God feel sorry for people? I don't see it in His word….. He points out things like James 1:12 "Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him." and James 1:2 "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds"…. I just don't see "feel sorry for yourself and drag others down with you" in His Word….. Great post Tam… love you, and that heart of yours!!!
dang, you rock my world, sister!!!
(I guess I was too wordy…had to split the comment…)
Some of us have been victims of abuse for many many years…and some never really escape it. God knows who's who. We're told to help the weak, encourage the fainthearted, and admonish the unruly. If I choose to admonish the fainthearted, or the weak, because I think they are "playing the victim", then I am not living with the compassion He has commanded.
We're all trying to learn the dance…I think…
I hope.
(I'm trying to learn what it means to live forgiven…without labels and condemning thoughts.)
I have some friends who are revelling in being the victim. It hurts so much to see the damage they're causing themselves and others. But, anything we'd say they'd manage to manipulate into supporting their position. It's sad.