Category Archives: Memories

a blast from the past

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Sunday night the kids and I went through our vimeo account and watched a ton of videos. It was so much fun. We laughed. A lot.

Kota’s voice has changed so much! Kass used to have long blonde hair. I had totally forgotten about that.

Boy…time goes by fast. Remember when you were a kid and all the adults would always tell you how fast time went by? And you’d think, “Whatever. Time can’t go by fast enough for me!”

sigh.

While the kids have changed faster than I can keep up with…Brent…has not.

Here is an outtake video from 2 years ago.

Disclaimer: I am not responsible for anything this man does. I am contactually obligated to laugh at with him.

Baba did her best…

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Old Wives Tales. My family lived by them.

Put butter on burns to keep it from blistering.

Throw salt over your shoulder for good luck.

If your cheeks feel hot, someone is talking about you.

If the palm of your hand itches it means money is coming.

But this next one…I think my Grandma, Baba, made up on her own. She and my Gramps had a Siamese Cat named Shotzie. Shotzie was your typical long-hair Siamese cat. And with long hair, comes many, many hairballs stuck in the throat.

I loved spending nights with Baba and Gramps. But I didn’t love waking up 3+ times during the night cuz Shotzie was hacking up fur balls on my pillow.

And my Baba…she had a solution. You see, my entire family is from the mid-west. And with the mid-west comes lots of fried food loving people! And with fried food cooking, comes lots of saved grease in cast-iron skillets waiting in the oven for future use. But Baba would always put a little of that grease away in a coffee can for Shotzie.

Oh yes. She did.

Every. Single. Time that cat started hackin up hair – Baba would run to her coffee can of grease, grab a tablespoon, scoop a big glob of the solidified death trap out, take Shotzie’s mouth, force it open and shove the grease down her throat.

“It helps the fur-ball come out easier.”

Baba hated seeing Shotzie suffer from those hairballs.

Shotzie died. Of a heart-attack.

No. Lie.

You have any crazy old wives tales, or superstition, family stories?

Dear Dad…wherever you are.

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Dear “Dad”,

I learned you were my father when I was 7 years old. Mom brought you to our home one night after working a late shift for her 2nd job as a bartender/singer. I was asleep on the couch in the living room where you and mom were talking. Your voices woke me and I overheard your conversation…

“You know_______, she is your daughter?”

“Yes. I know.”

I continued to pretend to sleep, but my heart wanted so badly to jump up, run over to you, hug your neck and never let go. But, I could tell…you didn’t want me to know.

It would be 6 more years until I would hear your voice again. It was my 13th birthday. Mom called me out of my bedroom, she handed me the phone and said…“Someone special would like to talk to you.”

“Hello??”

“Hi, Tammy? This is…. I’m your Dad.“

I could tell by the tone in your voice you were excited to share this news with me. And, although, I had known this for years and had made it my own little secret too, I pretended to be excited….For you.

You came around every now and then. You met my oldest child, Kass. She’s 16 now. I sent you a birth announcement when Kota was born, 14 years ago. The letter was returned to me…“Moved. Left no forwarding address.”

Oh, yea, I’ll be 40 tomorrow, on the 14th. I was thinking earlier today about the 2 abortions I had when I was a kid and wondered… if I had birthed those babies and given them up for adoption, would I want to know about their lives?

I would.

So, I figured you’d just might want to know about mine. Maybe. Or, perhaps, I just wanta share it with you…just in case.

I have a beautiful life. My husband of 19 1/2 years is my earth angel. He loves me fiercely. And there isn’t a second that goes by that I don’t know it.

Our kids…amazing! You’d love them. They’re musicians. Just like you.

I plan on getting my first book published next year. It’s been a laborious process but worth every minute.

I’m happy. I’m very happy. Mom taught me to find the funny in every day. Her wisdom has served me well.

I hope you’re well. You should know – You owe me nothing. You’ve already given me the best gift…

Life.

So, I just wanted to thank you for that, here, 40 years later.

All the years in between – God, my true Father, has stepped in. He has provided, and shown me, more love than I could have ever dreamed of.

My father-in-law has been a dream come true. Yes, I actually used to dream about having a dad. And, it came true. He models love and protection on a daily basis.

So, don’t worry about me…just in case you were.

I am grateful for my life. And I genuinely hope you are grateful for yours.

Sincerely,

Tam.

A Blooper Reel

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As a part of No Negative November…and if you all are tired of this then, boo-on-ya!… I am sharing a video that Pastor T, aka Toby at What’s This Life For. It is a bloopers reel from the 5 ladies who contributed to Ladies Week on his blog last week.

And, like a turd, I forgot to post about that.

So, here’s the deal…Toby highlighted 5 women last week on his blog to share, via video, about their story. It was a heavy week, yet, it was overflowing with hope and beauty. Below are the links to each ladies story. If you are dealing with any of these topics, or know someone who is, please watch and pass it along. You’ll find hope there.

Jenni Clayville – Infidelity

Nicole Wick – Addiction

Alece Ronzino – Affair

Mandy Thompson – Infertility

Me – Abortion

“benefits of abortion”?

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i have had a lot of activity back at my old blog on the following post. i am reposting it here today.

here are a couple excerpts from some recent comments…

Its was meant to be someone but you killed it

Looking at it, it does not have nerves yet, they were just forming structures in the baby so nerve endings did not get made yet so the child did not feel anything or know anything that had happened before death…abortions are sometimes the better alternative to a painful existence.

Ive had two abortions and they were the best decisions I could have made regarding the unwanted pregnancies…please keep in mind that they are the best decision for many woman.

i’d be lying if i said these commets didn’t break my heart into a million pieces. the first one i do not take personally. but the others…i do. because i’ve been there. i’ve been on both sides of the heart issue. and i simply can not believe that a human heart is 100%, fully, okay with abortion. there’s much more going on behind those nonchalant words. this, i know.

“benefits of abortion” ( a repost)

i had my first abortion at the tender of 16. already living on my own. a little girl playing grown up.

when i first found out i was pregnant i was stunned. why i was shocked i have no idea. most young girls are not using protection when faced with an unwanted pregnancy. but the thought of getting pregnant never seems to cross the mind.

i knew fairly quickly that i would not keep this baby. whether i thought it was wrong or not didnt matter…i was not going to have a kid. sitting across from the nurse while having my vitals taken, she was very clinical. she had a job to do. she gave me a few pamphlets on what to expect after the abortion and different options for birth control. not one time did she, or the doctor, mention keeping the baby.

its like there were no other options. this was the only one. maybe things are different now. maybe they couldnt say anything to me. i suppose if they had mentioned alternatives i may not have given them my business. i fear thats what abortion has turned into. a business. a heartless and cold business.

so, i held tight to the pamphlets and tried to get as much information from them as possible. most of it had to do with getting post-op checks, deciding on a course of action for birth control and payment plan options. and theres that one line i recall reading, under the benefits of abortion, that said after the termination i would have peace of mind.

really?

an 11 week old. this is how far long the baby was when i had my 1st abortion.
this does not give me peace of mind.

(photo from CBR)

i did it!

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i finally did it. i got my nose pierced. sorry mom and dad in law. i love you so much tho. and am so grateful for your unconditional love for me.

:D

i’ve always wanted one. i think they’re pretty. i really do. and i can see the sparkly jewel out the corner of my eye. i also figured, while i’m on ativan this week it would be perfect timing. so…brent, kass and i left the yogurt hut and went straight to epic ink and got’er done.

in other news….i am super excited about a little video interview that’ll be here next week with one of my favorite online pastors! so stay tuned for that!

i’ll also be keeping you posted on my post appt with my dr. on monday.

i want to thank you all for your concern, love and mostly prayers for me this week. my family and friends here and online have helped so much. thank you.

it is officially dakotas birth-month. my boy will be 14 on the 17th. i love that young man so much and am so proud of the gentleman he is becoming!

well…like i said, i had wanted a nose ring for years and i finally did it. is there anything you’ve been wanting to do that you’ve been putting off for a while?

give life.

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i was recently talking with my friend about abuse. emotional, mental and physical abuse.

we were discussing which one is worse. i thought about it for a moment and concluded that, for me, emotional abuse is worse.

i shared how when i was a little girl i was abused in all those ways, and more. i recalled the nights after long afternoons of insults, threats, demoralizing comments, from one of my moms boyfriends, that left my tender heart shattered.

shattered into a million pieces.

i would be sent to bed left to dwell on the many hurtful words hurled at me like a fist to my fragile spirit. and i would beg god, whom i didn’t even believe in, to make that person come in and beat me instead. a beating would hurt less and the pain would fade more quickly.

and sometimes, that would happen. and although i bear physical scars on my body today from those beatings, they don’t hurt any longer. however, some of the hurtful words still come to mind and i’m instantly taken back to a time when i was convinced i was worthless and made for nothing.

i don’t believe that today. i’m not saying that at all. but the feelings that come with emotional abuse are easily relived for me versus the pain of a 30 minute beating with a belt buckle.

my point is this…our words either give life or they speak death over it.

today…give life.

our lives were saved

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i was talking with my son tonight. about life. about past life. about past choices.

we were talking about how some movie stars curb their eating to trim down for a role, or up their eating to gain/beef up for a role. out of this conversation came my story of dancing with anorexia.

in 1991 i was flirting heavily with this disorder. by 1992 i was eating one meal a day with a nice, tasty laxative for dessert. by the fall of 1992 i was grossly underweight.

this was a time in my life where i, obviously, had a tarnished self-image…but also a time where i felt i had nothing of my own. no control over anything in my own life. but this one thing i had “control” of. it was mine and i was the only one who knew about it.

until the day i ended up in the e.r.

doubled over in pain, struggling to breathe, i waited for the test results. e.r. doctor came in, pulled the curtain, leaned into me and whispered in my ear….”i know what you’re doing. if you keep this up you’re going to kill yourself.”

unfortunately, that wasn’t enough to get my attention. not fully at least.

summer of 1993 i got pregnant with kassidi. my barely 100 lb, 5 foot 8 inch frame walked into my ob/gyn’s office for my first prenatal check up. my doctor looked at me and said… “if you want your baby to live – you need to quit this.”

my thought at that moment…

i’ve already shortchanged two other babies in my life. there is no way i am willingly, selfishly, going to hurt another.

that day changed everything.

kassidi saved our lives.

and this just occurred to me tonight.

wow.

think about your life now. can you recall a time where you were changed, saved?

the truth. or is it?

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the scene:

the 405 freeway in southern california. brent and tam in the front seats. kass and kota in the back.

kota: whoa! is that fog?

brent: it’s smog.

kota: it’s fog?

brent: no. it’s smog.

kota: dan’ang. so that’s fog??

brent, tam and kass: kota! it’s SMOG!!

kota: oh. it looks like fog.

all 4 of us: break into hysterical laughter.

i just now, after writing this out, realized how if kota would not have eventually understood that brown smudge in the sky was smog, he would have believed it to be fog. he would have looked at it in that way from then on. which could lead to some confusion as smog does not behave like fog at all. kota would not have had accurate information or the right view of either.

i think we all settle for untruths and don’t even realize it. then, mistakenly live as if they were truths.

“the truth isn’t fact and reason. the truth is what everyone believes in.” ~ Wicked

we did a lot of this…

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on vacation…

chad and kass.