Category Archives: Life

The Mystery Of My Dreams

Posted on by
12

I’m disturbed. Confused. Completely baffled.

I keep having two recurring dreams. They’ve been a part of my regular sleep routine for over a year now. Tell me what you think about them…

Dream 1: Faulty Breaks

I’m driving, alone, in a car. Just cruising through town, regular traffic, no big deal. Feels like any normal day. I come up to a stop sign, or red-light, or slowing down in traffic and begin to press on the cars breaks. The car starts slowing down but the closer I get to the stop sigh, light, or car in front of me I find I can not come to a complete stop. I push with all my might and strength on the brakes but the car is still, ever-so-slowly, rolling. I never hit anything or get in an accident. I always wake up right before panic sets in.

Dream 2: Fatigued Legs

The setting could be anywhere, doesn’t matter, but I’m walking in all these dreams. At first when this dream started happening I was walking alone. The scene…just strolling, again-no specific purpose, much like the car dream, when suddenly my legs feel like they are a hundred pounds a piece. The fatigue I feel in them is so heavy, not painful, but near debilitating. My attempts to lift them to take the next step is almost impossible. As months have gone on this dream has evolved in environment. Now I am with people, in public settings. I am also asking anyone I am with to help me move my legs.

And that’s it. These dreams occur weekly. I can speculate their meaning. Perhaps I am feeling my life is out of control. Maybe I am reluctant to lean on others.

I’m not sure.

Any thoughts?

Let It Go…And Live

Posted on by
21

 

I remember the days when I hid. The days when I woke up each morning and the first thing that came to mind would be my bag of secrets. I would slowly get out of bed, grab that bag of secrets, throw it over my shoulder and carry it around all day long. Allowing it to dig into my flesh causing pain, day after day.

It was my way of life. My normal.

This weekend Pete spoke a challenging word to many! Right out the gates he gave us this truth…

If we don’t learn to transform the pain, we’ll just transfer it.

 

Ok. Yes! This couldn’t be more true than truth itself. That was me. I transfered for years! I lied, misled, used, pretended, acted out, used drugs, invited an eating disorder, manipulated the ones I loved and betrayed peoples trust. All because I chose not to come clean.

The very second Pete shared those words my heart began grieving for all those who live under the weight of secrets and pain…no matter what the source.

I still have to work on letting things go. There are self-centered uglies splashed all over me. This weekend I was lovingly, but firmly, reminded to come clean. Come clean with God…Come clean with my loved ones.

Replace Concealment with Confession.

I just want to encourage all of you to find people you can trust to share the weight of your heart with. Most likely, they’re right under your nose. It’s been my experience that hidden secrets fosters a facade that acts as a flame that ultimately burns bridges. It’s just not worth it. Let it go….and live like you were meant to.

That is all.

Thoughts? Confessions?

[image]

So, what’s new?

Posted on by
16

I don’t do New Year’s Resolutions. I’m not against them, I’m just against me having them. I know me better than that.

But, I did want to begin this year with a slightly freshened up look. So, making a small change to the blog here is a start.

Another change will be adding a real calendar to my life. Like, you know, one of those kinds you actually write in. Yah, that kind. Archaic, right? But I love those. There’s something about writing it down that helps my old brain have better recall.

There is a lot in the works for 2012. A lot. I want to set myself, and our family, up for success. This is a huge year. Not that moving across the country in 2011 wasn’t huge ;)

I learned a tough lesson in 2010…Sometimes things worth having and fighting for hurt. The journey can be difficult. But still a journey that is necessary. No sense in trying to avoid the unavoidable. Just, do it. Oh, I’m still learning this, by the way.

So tell me, are you incorporating anything new into your daily routine? Anything big on the horizon for your 2012?

I was a psycho woman my first married Christmas

Posted on by
3
I love giving gifts. I love getting gifts! But, it took me a long time to see this exchange for what it really should be. When my husband, Brent, and I celebrated our first Christmas together we were struggling to make ends meet. We were just starting out and had very little. So, needless to say our first Christmas was extremely tight.

Brent and I decided we would set a very small budget to buy one gift for each other. Brent headed straight for the mall and I headed straight for the Dollar Store! I was practical, bought him things he liked. Gum, armor-all, a wrench, a 10 pack of no. 2 pencils with the name Brett etched in gold on them (Brent is a hard name to find). I paid the damage, went home, wrapped it all up in one box, put a $5.00 bow on top (it’s all about the delivery) and I called it a good venture!

As I placed this remarkable gift under our Charlie Brown tree my eyes immediately bolted to this hideous object lying helplessly alone. My heart went out to it for it had clearly been attacked by a large dose of testosterone. Men do not contain the “wrapping” gene. It didn’t take long to figure out from the outside exactly what it was. It was a Remington Wet/Dry Razor. I’d wanted one forever – but it was way too expensive! And there I sat in a glorious knick-free shaving dreamland until I was interrupted by reality, “I must return this gift!” So I hopped in my car, unwrapped the gift while I drove to…let me see…Yes, the price tag is still on it…Sears. I returned the wet/dry razor, with much remorse, and headed right to our bank to deposit the money back into our account.

Just hours later my husband discovered what I had done. And, it broke his heart. That was his gift to me and I rejected it. Our very first Christmas, first chance to wow each other, and I crushed his hopes and excitement.

As i grew in faith and learned more about God, the ultimate gift-giver, I realized that giving is a part of who we are. I am here, the person I am today, because God gave so much for me. Because Jesus gave so much for me. Christ gave His life as a gift to give me life. God started the gift-giving trend.

Now, a Remington razor can not compare to a death on the cross. But the heart of the giver is the beauty of the gift. it really doesn’t even matter what the gift is. Imagine the indescribable look on Gods face each time one of His children receives His gift of life and eternity with Him. Now, imagine the heart-break He must experience each time one of His children rejects that gift.

So now, for me, keeping the spirit of Christmas alive is to give gifts. It reminds me of the gift Christ gave us. It is emulating His example.

Big gift, small gift, homemade, time, a poem, volunteering…anything that sets your heart on others…that’s the beauty of it. Even deciding not to exchange gifts as a family and, instead, put that money toward something else. Just let your heart genuinely, and joyfully, give.

I used to be “anti-gift” – until I realized what my life would look like if Jesus had been an anti-gifter. So, I give what I can. It’s not about the money, it’s about the heart and intent. When we give, without expectation, to others – we are being most like Christ.

What does “The True Spirit Of Christmas” look like to you? How do you celebrate it? I would love to have you share your story with us over at World Vision’s blog! You can also read some amazing posts on the true spirit of Christmas.

Discovering My Platform

Posted on by
43

Most of you know my story. You know about my first marriage that ended in a tragic suicide. You know about my postpartum depression after my children were born. You know about the sexual abuse endured as a child. You know about the physical abuse. The drugs. The alcohol. And, you know about the abortions…the topic that is closest to my heart. But, what you may not know is that I am not anti-abortion.

That is not my platform.

Yes…abortion is a terrible, cruel, form of birth-control. And that is exactly what I used it for…out of fear. I do not condone abortion. Not one bit. Please understand that.

But, the more I dig into writing my book, the more I connect with my hearts cry. And my hearts cry, the one thing that weighs on it the most, is people who live under the weight of sin when they need not to.

I lived so many years truly repentant of my choices yet unable to receive the forgiveness of my forgiving God. How that must grieve our Fathers heart.

Knowing that so many live under that same kind of weight truly grieves my heart, too.

We all make bad choices. It’s our nature. But often times it isn’t about the bad choices we make…it’s about how we let those choices make us. We end up living under guilt, shame, fear, low self-esteem, low self-worth and allowing our poor choices to dictate our character and who we become, ultimately, devaluing the person we were created to be.

Friends, this is no good. We were meant for more than this. And until we believe that, truly believe that, we will continue to shrink back behind poor decisions we’ve given false power to.

If God is for us then who, or what, could ever stop us?

Certainly God is bigger than our mistakes.

And this, this, is my platform…Embrace your potential and future instead of your failures and past.

What have you allowed to shape you that needs reshaping?

 

What Are Your 3 P’s?

Posted on by
12

P. P. P.

I’ve been thinking about those 3 P’s for a couple weeks now. Every single day, in fact.

I love surrounding myself with success. Successful people drive me to work harder. And I am not talking about monetary success. I’m talking about gifted people who are confident and willing to work hard at exercising their gifts. Doesn’t matter to me what their gifts are. Music. Writing. Sports. Painting. Listening. Counseling. Teaching. I just love being around those who know what they’re good at.

We’re all gifted people. We all have strengths and talents. But, we all do not own them and live them out. We do not work hard at them. We don’t always want to, I suppose.

There are, however, plenty of people who do recognize their gifts, the purpose of them, and they take it all very seriously.

My friend, Eve, is one of those amazing friends in my life. Her personality alone is enough to draw you in like a moth to a flame. But it’s her drive to give a million percent to her strengths that impresses me the most.

She and I met for lunch a couple weeks back and I sat across from her completely mesmerized by her confidence. And it isn’t arrogance…it’s simply confidence. Which is healthy. She asked me about the 3 P’s…

Passion

Purpose

Plan

She asked me what my passions are. What my purpose is [outside of myself] and what my plan is to achieve this.

I feel I can answer the first two fairly well. But that last one I struggle with. Not having a plan has not served me well.

God is a God of order and purpose. I need to emulate those attributes a lot better in my own life. And these 3 P’s have helped me realize this.

Do you know what your 3 P’s are?

Pains Of Parenting

Posted on by
8

Yes. There are pains involved with parenting. There are times when you want to run…run as fast as you can, as far away as possible. And if there happens to be a cliff involved you might consider a little jump.

Not just because a child or two has found your very last nerve. Sometimes you wanna run because you get scared. You become afraid of all the ways you might have messed your children up. Missed the best teaching and growing opportunities. Afraid of letting go – but knowing you have to.

There have been countless times when I have cried myself to sleep at nights, begging the Lord to erase from their memories any ridiculous words that came out my mouth or actions that spewed forth, if they were not going to build character…or mine. Yes, there are times when a parents failures serve as some of the best teaching moments. It’s often where humility and grace are best learned. Boy, do I know this.

My daughter is nearing her 18th birthday. My son just turned 15. I know what this means. It means the time is coming close when they will spread their wings and no longer be in this nest. It has all happened so fast. And so, now, I spend many nights crying myself to sleep because I know this time is inevitable, and I just want to freeze this moment.

They own my heart. That’s where they always are and always will be. Even when the day comes where they will no longer physically be near me.

So when they each gave me letters, that they wrote to me for my birthday last night, all these worries, fears and anticipations came to a sudden stop. I saw their words as a collection of years gone by…good and bad…but moments that have stayed with them and made them into the young adults they are becoming.

I am so proud of my kids. No, they are not perfect. I am not perfect. Brent is not perfect. We do things that would likely shock y’all. But we’re taking each day as it comes and doing the best we can with them. And I hope they do the same with their own kiddos some day.


[Family Photo by Alece]

It’s all worth it. Every single moment.

“S” stands for…

Posted on by
10

I had a short conversation with a twitter friend on Sunday, Naked Pastor. You wanta explore why he calls himself that…here you go. It appears he read my story, for which I am grateful anyone comes over here to read my bad grammar. Anyhoos, in our convo he said this…

“Survivors we are.”

And my thoughts took a trip. Not a trip like the “trips” I took in high school. No, I’m beyond that thank you Jesus so very much.

But I realized that for every day we wake to a new morning…Survivors We Are.

Soak that in for a moment. Go ahead…I’ll wait…

If you are reading this now it means you a survivor of yesterday. And everyone said…AMEN!

So, yes, we are survivors of yesterday but does that necessarily mean we’re living today? Are we living this day and not the hurts and wrongs of yesterday?

Question:

When we’re nearing the end of our lives do we really want to look back over all our years only to realize that we lived way too much of them in dead-days? Days that should’ve been buried?

I have exerted so much energy, spiritually-mentally-physically, on days and circumstances long gone by. Moments that can not be changed. I can no easier make the past change than I can become Faith Hill. So, in stead of me dwelling and soaking in the murky-mess of the past, why not choose to reside in the present, bathe in His presence and mercies that are new every single day?

I had a vision once of what it may look like to God when I choose to mope in the past. There He is, first thing in the morning, dressed in His finest, handing me the most beautifully wrapped gift. I peek inside and I see mercy. I see new beginnings. Compassion. Love. Forgiveness. Second-Chances. Then, I choose to push this gift back – back into His hands – and I walk away, straight into that murky mess of yesterday and I sit in it. Plop. He drops his head and waits for another new morning. And the cycle repeats itself.

Weird visual, perhaps, but it drove a much needed truth into my heart. God is the owner of time. Past-Present-Future. I am the employee of this second. That’s it. And for every moment I choose to wallow in the should’ve-could’ve-would’ve beens…another second dies.

This is only my opinion, friends, but I think He meant more for us than that.

This, likely harsh and insensitive, post is brought to you today by the letter S…

Survivor.

I Wouldn’t Change A Thing

Posted on by
1

[A repost from last year. With all the book writing I'm doing I was reminded of this moment again.]

************************

monday night when i told kota about my abortions, and that i had been married before and widowed, he put a very special piece of my journeys puzzle together.

when i left my first husband, actually when i escaped with my life, i ended up in southern california where i would just two months later meet the Lord.

kotas response to that was…

“mom…if that wouldn’t have happened kass and i wouldn’t be here. none of this would be happening.”

he is absolutely right.

none of my journey was fun to travel. at least not that part. but it got me to a monumental crossroads that forced me to take stock of my life and make some big girl decisions.

im not one of those people who wish i could live my life over so i could change it. my life, as dysfunctional and traumatic as so much of it was, got me to this exact place i am now.

there were scary parts, lonely roads, hurts, disappointments, terrible choices, abuse and much pain…and all of it served to teach me a lot. it exposed my weaknesses and my strengths. it broke me and built me.

i could look back on it all and ask…why me? or, i can see the now and embrace it for what it is…the result of many life circumstances that came together to create the now. a path completely in view by God. by a God who knew exactly what He was doing. He allowed, not made, hurt in my life because it built my character. character that needed refined so that i could be the wife and mother and friend i needed to be.

and in one short conversation…my son understood that.

i love how God is in every detail. we just need to look closer and trust that He’s there.

 

The Fear Of My Past Catching Up With Me

Posted on by
3

 

A few months ago Angie Smith asked me, and several other women, to be a part of Blooms Book Club, at (in) courage. Book to be discussed…Angie’s 2nd book, What Women Fear.

Each of us ladies were assigned a chapter to discuss with Jess and Angie, via video. I was given Chapter Six: The Fear Of My Past Catching Up With Me.

Let me tell you, Angie could not have picked a better chapter for me to share on. She wrote this chapter for me! And, you.

We all have regrets. But we do not all have to live under the trappings of them.

Please, take a moment to watch the video and receive whatever it is you might need to hear from it.

You can contact Ang, Jess or me if you have any questions or just need to chat.

[VIDEO]