Category Archives: Life

Ruined By Praise

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The trouble with most of us is that we would rather be ruined by praise than saved by criticism. ~Norman Vincent Peale

 

I couldn’t agree with this quote more. I especially believe this to be true right now. With social media booming like it is and us all with our “followers” – I’m afraid it has given us a false sense of superiority and over-importance.

We share updates that encourage a praise worthy response. We seem to only display our best. Rarely our mistakes.

We love praise. We love attention that strokes our ego.

Who doesn’t? I know I do. And I’m guilty of this as much as anyone else.

But we do not like is criticism.

I do not believe that all criticism is bad. I believe a healthy critique is just that…healthy. Often times a good critique fails in the delivery. But it can also fail in the receiving.

A couple weeks ago a close friend and I talked on the phone. It had been a very long time since we had chatted. It started out as small talk, lots of catch-up and a little laughter. Then, she got to the point. And she got to it good. She did not mince words. She laid out her feelings, opinions and heart. And while it stung at first, and I immediately wanted to defend myself, I knew she was right.

It didn’t feel good initially. But just because criticism is uncomfortable it does not mean that all criticism is wrong.

I owned it. I apologized. We moved on.

I believe we are both better for it. And I am grateful for friends who are willing to say the tough stuff to me. I pray I will always be open and willing to receive it and that I will be bold enough, and gracious enough, to be honest with the people around me.

Don’t you think we do each other a disservice by not being honest? It may hurt, yes…but it also may be the one thing to grow us.

When’s the last time you’ve been on either side of healthy criticism? Did you receive it well? Did you deliver it well? Would you change anything?

Do you think that our current society strokes ego’s a bit too much, making it harder for people to accept criticism?

[This post is about healthy critique...not harsh judgment.]

 

3rd Annual Fort Building Contest!

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Yes, you read right. We’re having a Fort Building Contest. This will be our 3rd one! Actually, I skipped hosting one last year…ya know, it was kinda busy ;)

But it’s back now! And I’m ready to watch all my competitive friends battle this out.

I picked this time of year cuz everyone tells me February’s gonna get cold. So why not build a cozy fort you can hang and snuggle in.

There are just a few guidelines you must follow…

1- Your fort must be made indoors.

2- All the items used must be from your house and be reusable.

3- No purchasing items just for the fort.

4- Involve your family! Tap into your inner-child – involve your children if you’ve got’em, or, your neighbors children. Just make sure you know them and have permission to take them.

5- Submit your entry by pictures or video, via your blog or link to youtube or vimeo, by March 1st. I will provide a one-stop fort submission hub.

Most of all…HAVE FUN! 

And, yes, a winner will be chosen! This year will be the first time the winner actually gets a prize. They’ll get to choose from one of the following…

1- $20.00 Starbucks Gift Card

2- $20.00 iTunes Card

3- $20.00 Amazon Gift Card

Here are our two past winners:

Russ Hutto (unfortunately this video has been deleted but his post is amazing and he also lists all items used in the fort, w/pics)

The Rainey Fort

So, y’all in??

Lemme know!

Our last fort

 

The Writing Struggle

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Today I wrote another chapter for my book. And I must say…it gave me a heart work-out.

I totally get why people conceal injustices.

While revisiting some very painful moments from my childhood I struggled writing them down – for so many reasons. Not so much that it was hard for me, personally. I don’t relive the memories anymore like I used to. In fact, during recall, I actually feel as if I’m hovering over the past moment, watching it unfold as a total outsider. I feel physically detached yet there is still a connect. It’s hard to explain, really. Perhaps one of you can identify and articulate this better.

But what I struggle with the most is wanting to protect the people who were around me and “involved” at that time.

I struggle with the thought that while I do not have to endure all those abuses anymore, there are countless of children who are suffering this very second. Children who are being beaten and molested and threatened. They are frightened and alone. Even in a sea of people…they are alone and terrified. I hate that. More than I can describe.

I struggle with how much to share. I know I have literary freedom. But I also love and respect my family. I want to protect them.

This process is harder than I imagined it would be. Yet, it is one of the most necessary things I have ever done…for me, my family and, hopefully, for those who will someday read it.

I’m praying that as God walks me through this process that He will have me write exactly what is necessary and beneficial for His sake, His children’s sake and His glory.

Please pray with me…

[Following is an excerpt from todays chapter]

The secrets continued on. The sexual abuse, the physical abuse.

“Tam, how come you’re using a pillow on your chair at the dinner table?”

Danny glares at me with his sparkling eyes from across the table.

“Oh, um, I fell off my bike on the way home from school today.”

No. Not really. I had just been beaten with Danny’s belt-buckle while bent over this very chair, naked, for a half-hour straight for forgetting to wash a drinking glass this morning. But if I tell you that, mama, he’ll kill you. That’s what he told me. And I don’t want you to die. So I will lie to you. I will keep this secret. 

choosing hurt over healing

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Here are my thoughts. Take it or leave it. Love it or hate it.

Unedited…

*************************

Hurt…in one word…hurts.

We all experience hurt. It is unescapable. It is a part of life. It comes in multiple levels.

One seems easier. Stay where you are. It’s all you know. It’s your normal.

One requires no work. It takes work to heal. To move on. To forgive. To focus on the future and not the past. To choose to trust again.

Outsiders often encourage the hurt by justifying. Babying. “It’s ok. You’re the victim here.” They’re enablers. And, often times, they have no idea that they are enabling. It is no fault of theirs.

We get comfortable with attention, regardless if it’s negative or positive. Attention is attention. It intrigues people.

Others reach out to the hurt because they know it’s right. The good in them compels them to want to help.

The victim receives that extension, and it is beneficial for a season. Often times, that season extends beyond its practical length. And, in turn, becomes a crutch and a comfort.

In all reality, you can become addicted to hurt. Some may feel that the only way they can get attention is by ”playing the victim”.

It’s not healthy. It’s manipulative. It can stunt emotional and spiritual growth. Ultimately, I believe that none of us truly desire that.

I realize this a very strong post. But, hear me out. Wait… read me out. I would never write this, had I not lived it myself. This would be an opinion if I were an outsider looking in. But, this was once me.

 

{This post was inspired by recent messages from Cross Point Church}

 

The Mystery Of My Dreams

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I’m disturbed. Confused. Completely baffled.

I keep having two recurring dreams. They’ve been a part of my regular sleep routine for over a year now. Tell me what you think about them…

Dream 1: Faulty Breaks

I’m driving, alone, in a car. Just cruising through town, regular traffic, no big deal. Feels like any normal day. I come up to a stop sign, or red-light, or slowing down in traffic and begin to press on the cars breaks. The car starts slowing down but the closer I get to the stop sigh, light, or car in front of me I find I can not come to a complete stop. I push with all my might and strength on the brakes but the car is still, ever-so-slowly, rolling. I never hit anything or get in an accident. I always wake up right before panic sets in.

Dream 2: Fatigued Legs

The setting could be anywhere, doesn’t matter, but I’m walking in all these dreams. At first when this dream started happening I was walking alone. The scene…just strolling, again-no specific purpose, much like the car dream, when suddenly my legs feel like they are a hundred pounds a piece. The fatigue I feel in them is so heavy, not painful, but near debilitating. My attempts to lift them to take the next step is almost impossible. As months have gone on this dream has evolved in environment. Now I am with people, in public settings. I am also asking anyone I am with to help me move my legs.

And that’s it. These dreams occur weekly. I can speculate their meaning. Perhaps I am feeling my life is out of control. Maybe I am reluctant to lean on others.

I’m not sure.

Any thoughts?

Let It Go…And Live

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I remember the days when I hid. The days when I woke up each morning and the first thing that came to mind would be my bag of secrets. I would slowly get out of bed, grab that bag of secrets, throw it over my shoulder and carry it around all day long. Allowing it to dig into my flesh causing pain, day after day.

It was my way of life. My normal.

This weekend Pete spoke a challenging word to many! Right out the gates he gave us this truth…

If we don’t learn to transform the pain, we’ll just transfer it.

 

Ok. Yes! This couldn’t be more true than truth itself. That was me. I transfered for years! I lied, misled, used, pretended, acted out, used drugs, invited an eating disorder, manipulated the ones I loved and betrayed peoples trust. All because I chose not to come clean.

The very second Pete shared those words my heart began grieving for all those who live under the weight of secrets and pain…no matter what the source.

I still have to work on letting things go. There are self-centered uglies splashed all over me. This weekend I was lovingly, but firmly, reminded to come clean. Come clean with God…Come clean with my loved ones.

Replace Concealment with Confession.

I just want to encourage all of you to find people you can trust to share the weight of your heart with. Most likely, they’re right under your nose. It’s been my experience that hidden secrets fosters a facade that acts as a flame that ultimately burns bridges. It’s just not worth it. Let it go….and live like you were meant to.

That is all.

Thoughts? Confessions?

[image]

So, what’s new?

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I don’t do New Year’s Resolutions. I’m not against them, I’m just against me having them. I know me better than that.

But, I did want to begin this year with a slightly freshened up look. So, making a small change to the blog here is a start.

Another change will be adding a real calendar to my life. Like, you know, one of those kinds you actually write in. Yah, that kind. Archaic, right? But I love those. There’s something about writing it down that helps my old brain have better recall.

There is a lot in the works for 2012. A lot. I want to set myself, and our family, up for success. This is a huge year. Not that moving across the country in 2011 wasn’t huge ;)

I learned a tough lesson in 2010…Sometimes things worth having and fighting for hurt. The journey can be difficult. But still a journey that is necessary. No sense in trying to avoid the unavoidable. Just, do it. Oh, I’m still learning this, by the way.

So tell me, are you incorporating anything new into your daily routine? Anything big on the horizon for your 2012?

I was a psycho woman my first married Christmas

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I love giving gifts. I love getting gifts! But, it took me a long time to see this exchange for what it really should be. When my husband, Brent, and I celebrated our first Christmas together we were struggling to make ends meet. We were just starting out and had very little. So, needless to say our first Christmas was extremely tight.

Brent and I decided we would set a very small budget to buy one gift for each other. Brent headed straight for the mall and I headed straight for the Dollar Store! I was practical, bought him things he liked. Gum, armor-all, a wrench, a 10 pack of no. 2 pencils with the name Brett etched in gold on them (Brent is a hard name to find). I paid the damage, went home, wrapped it all up in one box, put a $5.00 bow on top (it’s all about the delivery) and I called it a good venture!

As I placed this remarkable gift under our Charlie Brown tree my eyes immediately bolted to this hideous object lying helplessly alone. My heart went out to it for it had clearly been attacked by a large dose of testosterone. Men do not contain the “wrapping” gene. It didn’t take long to figure out from the outside exactly what it was. It was a Remington Wet/Dry Razor. I’d wanted one forever – but it was way too expensive! And there I sat in a glorious knick-free shaving dreamland until I was interrupted by reality, “I must return this gift!” So I hopped in my car, unwrapped the gift while I drove to…let me see…Yes, the price tag is still on it…Sears. I returned the wet/dry razor, with much remorse, and headed right to our bank to deposit the money back into our account.

Just hours later my husband discovered what I had done. And, it broke his heart. That was his gift to me and I rejected it. Our very first Christmas, first chance to wow each other, and I crushed his hopes and excitement.

As i grew in faith and learned more about God, the ultimate gift-giver, I realized that giving is a part of who we are. I am here, the person I am today, because God gave so much for me. Because Jesus gave so much for me. Christ gave His life as a gift to give me life. God started the gift-giving trend.

Now, a Remington razor can not compare to a death on the cross. But the heart of the giver is the beauty of the gift. it really doesn’t even matter what the gift is. Imagine the indescribable look on Gods face each time one of His children receives His gift of life and eternity with Him. Now, imagine the heart-break He must experience each time one of His children rejects that gift.

So now, for me, keeping the spirit of Christmas alive is to give gifts. It reminds me of the gift Christ gave us. It is emulating His example.

Big gift, small gift, homemade, time, a poem, volunteering…anything that sets your heart on others…that’s the beauty of it. Even deciding not to exchange gifts as a family and, instead, put that money toward something else. Just let your heart genuinely, and joyfully, give.

I used to be “anti-gift” – until I realized what my life would look like if Jesus had been an anti-gifter. So, I give what I can. It’s not about the money, it’s about the heart and intent. When we give, without expectation, to others – we are being most like Christ.

What does “The True Spirit Of Christmas” look like to you? How do you celebrate it? I would love to have you share your story with us over at World Vision’s blog! You can also read some amazing posts on the true spirit of Christmas.

Discovering My Platform

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Most of you know my story. You know about my first marriage that ended in a tragic suicide. You know about my postpartum depression after my children were born. You know about the sexual abuse endured as a child. You know about the physical abuse. The drugs. The alcohol. And, you know about the abortions…the topic that is closest to my heart. But, what you may not know is that I am not anti-abortion.

That is not my platform.

Yes…abortion is a terrible, cruel, form of birth-control. And that is exactly what I used it for…out of fear. I do not condone abortion. Not one bit. Please understand that.

But, the more I dig into writing my book, the more I connect with my hearts cry. And my hearts cry, the one thing that weighs on it the most, is people who live under the weight of sin when they need not to.

I lived so many years truly repentant of my choices yet unable to receive the forgiveness of my forgiving God. How that must grieve our Fathers heart.

Knowing that so many live under that same kind of weight truly grieves my heart, too.

We all make bad choices. It’s our nature. But often times it isn’t about the bad choices we make…it’s about how we let those choices make us. We end up living under guilt, shame, fear, low self-esteem, low self-worth and allowing our poor choices to dictate our character and who we become, ultimately, devaluing the person we were created to be.

Friends, this is no good. We were meant for more than this. And until we believe that, truly believe that, we will continue to shrink back behind poor decisions we’ve given false power to.

If God is for us then who, or what, could ever stop us?

Certainly God is bigger than our mistakes.

And this, this, is my platform…Embrace your potential and future instead of your failures and past.

What have you allowed to shape you that needs reshaping?

 

What Are Your 3 P’s?

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P. P. P.

I’ve been thinking about those 3 P’s for a couple weeks now. Every single day, in fact.

I love surrounding myself with success. Successful people drive me to work harder. And I am not talking about monetary success. I’m talking about gifted people who are confident and willing to work hard at exercising their gifts. Doesn’t matter to me what their gifts are. Music. Writing. Sports. Painting. Listening. Counseling. Teaching. I just love being around those who know what they’re good at.

We’re all gifted people. We all have strengths and talents. But, we all do not own them and live them out. We do not work hard at them. We don’t always want to, I suppose.

There are, however, plenty of people who do recognize their gifts, the purpose of them, and they take it all very seriously.

My friend, Eve, is one of those amazing friends in my life. Her personality alone is enough to draw you in like a moth to a flame. But it’s her drive to give a million percent to her strengths that impresses me the most.

She and I met for lunch a couple weeks back and I sat across from her completely mesmerized by her confidence. And it isn’t arrogance…it’s simply confidence. Which is healthy. She asked me about the 3 P’s…

Passion

Purpose

Plan

She asked me what my passions are. What my purpose is [outside of myself] and what my plan is to achieve this.

I feel I can answer the first two fairly well. But that last one I struggle with. Not having a plan has not served me well.

God is a God of order and purpose. I need to emulate those attributes a lot better in my own life. And these 3 P’s have helped me realize this.

Do you know what your 3 P’s are?