Category Archives: fear

The Writing Struggle

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Today I wrote another chapter for my book. And I must say…it gave me a heart work-out.

I totally get why people conceal injustices.

While revisiting some very painful moments from my childhood I struggled writing them down – for so many reasons. Not so much that it was hard for me, personally. I don’t relive the memories anymore like I used to. In fact, during recall, I actually feel as if I’m hovering over the past moment, watching it unfold as a total outsider. I feel physically detached yet there is still a connect. It’s hard to explain, really. Perhaps one of you can identify and articulate this better.

But what I struggle with the most is wanting to protect the people who were around me and “involved” at that time.

I struggle with the thought that while I do not have to endure all those abuses anymore, there are countless of children who are suffering this very second. Children who are being beaten and molested and threatened. They are frightened and alone. Even in a sea of people…they are alone and terrified. I hate that. More than I can describe.

I struggle with how much to share. I know I have literary freedom. But I also love and respect my family. I want to protect them.

This process is harder than I imagined it would be. Yet, it is one of the most necessary things I have ever done…for me, my family and, hopefully, for those who will someday read it.

I’m praying that as God walks me through this process that He will have me write exactly what is necessary and beneficial for His sake, His children’s sake and His glory.

Please pray with me…

[Following is an excerpt from todays chapter]

The secrets continued on. The sexual abuse, the physical abuse.

“Tam, how come you’re using a pillow on your chair at the dinner table?”

Danny glares at me with his sparkling eyes from across the table.

“Oh, um, I fell off my bike on the way home from school today.”

No. Not really. I had just been beaten with Danny’s belt-buckle while bent over this very chair, naked, for a half-hour straight for forgetting to wash a drinking glass this morning. But if I tell you that, mama, he’ll kill you. That’s what he told me. And I don’t want you to die. So I will lie to you. I will keep this secret. 

The Fear Of My Past Catching Up With Me

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A few months ago Angie Smith asked me, and several other women, to be a part of Blooms Book Club, at (in) courage. Book to be discussed…Angie’s 2nd book, What Women Fear.

Each of us ladies were assigned a chapter to discuss with Jess and Angie, via video. I was given Chapter Six: The Fear Of My Past Catching Up With Me.

Let me tell you, Angie could not have picked a better chapter for me to share on. She wrote this chapter for me! And, you.

We all have regrets. But we do not all have to live under the trappings of them.

Please, take a moment to watch the video and receive whatever it is you might need to hear from it.

You can contact Ang, Jess or me if you have any questions or just need to chat.

[VIDEO]

Sex. Again. Stick around.

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You remember this post from a couple of weeks ago? The one where we talked a lot about sex? Teen sex. Abortions.

The negative twist on sexuality our parents pressed upon us?

Well, my friend, Krysta, DM’d me on twitter soon after I published the post. She began sharing with me personal details of her childhood. I was blessed and honored that she would open up to me, and trust me, like that.

I eventually asked her if she’d be willing to write more, and share, about her experiences with you all here in the InProgress Community.

To my great joy, she agreed!

Y’all…you do not want to skip over this. It is powerful. It is real.

Please read part 1 of 2 parts from my friend Krysta.

Feel free to ask her questions. Open up dialogue. Krysta will be here to chat back with y’all.

:::

There are three things you need to know about me before we go into today’s tantalizing post about all things sex:

  • I grew up in the church.
  • I didn’t have sex until I was married.
  • I follow the rules. All of them.

I sound like the person you want to have a crazy Friday night with, huh? I’m likely the most boring person I know, but it’s all in the name of staying out of jail.

I grew up with a right and a wrong. A black and white. No gray.

If you drink, you’ll become an alcoholic, get a DUI, kill someone and then go to jail.

If you don’t become a Christian, you’ll walk out of youth group tonight, get in a car accident and find yourself in hell.

If you have sex, you’ll get pregnant or contract an STD, be hated by your parents and judged by everyone in youth group.

The rules were very clear about sex: Don’t do it. It’s bad for you. Keep the switch in the “off” position.

And that’s what I convinced myself of before it was something I even started to crave.

Flash forward to my wedding night, where suddenly this rule is null and void. What once was forbidden is now expected. OFF… ON. People now assume I’m having sex. After all, if I’m not having sex all day, every day, as a newlywed, something must be wrong … terribly wrong.

As a teenager and college student, I was not invited into conversations with adults about these issues. Rules were given, and assumptions were made that I was having sex all along. I felt unnecessarily judged and completely offended that anyone would accuse me of doing something that wasn’t right.  Especially since I tried to so hard to follow the rules. Those feelings of judgment progressed the more involved I became in ministry as a young women.

And then I fell in love with one of my fellow worship leaders towards the end of college. Two talented leaders, almost finished with undergrad, dating and doing God’s work. We were the bees knees. All the elders loved him so he must be a good guy right? He knows what’s right and wrong … right? He’s supposed to be a spiritual leader because he’s the dude in the relationship, so I should just follow his lead, right? We became celebrities overnight it seemed. Untouchables.

And I drank the Kool Aid along with the rest of them. So much so that when I snapped out of it, I realized what the adults were trying to warn me of all along… boys like him.

What my community of spiritual leaders should have been asking me was, do you feel safe in your relationship? Or even “How are you doing? Is everything going ok? Do you feel like you’re living the life you want to live?” But once I was in the hands of someone they thought to be “safe” the questions stopped. It was suddenly assumed there was no sexual immorality happening in that relationship. And here’s where things get a little gray. Was he raping me or forcing me to have sex with him, no. Was he forcing me to buy lingerie (even so far as to purchasing it himself) so he could touch me and stare at me, yes. Was he peeking in on me when I was in the shower, yes. Did I find him naked on top of me multiple times during the night when I thought he had left, yes. Did I pretend to still be asleep so he wouldn’t get mad that I wasn’t participating, yes. Did I feel I could tell anyone at church, no. And when I did … what happened? I got kicked off the team, not him.

And that’s when the switch was flipped entirely. The relationship ended and my understanding of sex became all the things the adults seemed to think it was. It wasn’t near as much about penetration as it was being taken advantage of. And marriage? Why would I want to get married after that? If I get married, then I’ll have to have… sex.

:::

 

oh yes it’s ladies night! well, “week”

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i love redemption. i love grace. i love hope…hopeful expectations. i love faith lived out.

i love seeing one’s bitter journey turn into sweet deliverance.

this week, starting today, you can watch with me the stories of 5 different ladies who’ve traveled 5 different dirty and dusty roads straight into the comforting and merciful hands of God.

toby, aka “Pastor T”, asked jenni clayville, nicole wick, alece, miss mandy pants thompson and myself to share our stories for ladies week. each day one of us will be featured, via video, candidly sharing about infidelity, infertility, the “other woman”, abortions and addictions.

if you have struggled, or are currently struggling, with any of these – or know someone who is/has – please mark your calendars this week so you do not miss these videos.

you can watch them all HERE, at toby’s place. first up is jenni!

Plan B Study: Chapter 5 – Paralyzed

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pete nailed me this week.

“you know about that flutter you get in your stomach, the stutter you get in your speech, the sickening feeling you have when you get close to the edge of what feels safe and familiar to you?”

yup. there right now.

“so while your brain’s fear mechanism is there to protect you, it can also be a problem, especially in stressful plan b times. it can perpetuate feelings of fear that, if trusted, will keep you fenced in a safe little area away from opportunity and growth and the life God has for you.”

fear is deceiving. i totally feel, so often, that im living in that safe (false safe) area.

“you see, fear, in and of itself, is really not a problem. as we’ve seen, simple fear is unavoidable. it’s even necessary. but fear without faith is a big problem. fear without faith will eat you alive.”

“…you will fear it until you surrender it!”

“prverbs 1:7 = the fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge.”

this chapter i will likely read several times. i need to read it over again. and then again, again.

i really hope you all are reading this!

what are your thoughts on the quotes here?

“in what ways have you seen your fears establish the limits of your life?”

pondering the “why” of the fear

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i love this lady. i have had the pleasure of spending time with angie twice now. both times brent and i have been to nashville we’ve been privileged to have been able to enjoy times with the whole smith family.

angie smith is about as real as they get. she’s hilarious to the inth degree. im not a “laugh out loud’er” type, but da’ang this girl makes me one.

anyhoo…

thursday afternoon she asked this question on twitter…

“would love some help from all you ladies out there…curious what your greatest fears are. Could you tweet/email me & let me know?”

my answer…

“greatest fear: my kids are 13 & 16, theyre almost grown. im 40 this yr. my fear…what have i done? did i accomplish enough? is it enough?”

then i thought later… im actually more afraid of being afraid. cause when ive gotten to the point of fear…ive let the ball drop somewhere along the way.

or maybe its doubt. maybe its low self-confidence. i dunno. but the thought that i will not have done the right things in time…scare me.

do you ever think about these things?

its a girl

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a repost from february 2008. thought it was fitting beings my little girl just turned 16….
***************************************************
Monday April 18, 1994 5:52 p.m. I delivered a tiny miracle baby girl, one month early. There were no complications during the delivery. The only people in the room were my doctor, a nurse, Brent and me. It was quiet, almost too quiet. There seemed to be heaviness in the room something only I was aware of.
The minute she was delivered I looked to see her in my Doctors hand and I said, “Isn’t God good?” The doctor replied, “I was just thinking the same thing”. Immediately after those words I felt a tremendous darkness come over me. When I think about it even now I can recall very well that lost and frightened feeling. It was as if I wasn’t even there. That wasn’t me in that bed and that certainly wasn’t my baby next to me.

I’ve heard all through my life the minute you see your newborn child you instantly bond with her. There’s an immediate connection that is unlike any other in your life. I kept staring at my newborn while they cleaned her up, weighed her and exclaimed over and over how perfect she was, wondering when that “moment” would happen. But I felt nothing, at least nothing good. I wasn’t feeling the waves of overwhelming love and connection. I wasn’t anxious to take her home and dress her up in all her new little fashions. I didn’t even want to hold her.

Then they brought her to me and I thought, ok…maybe I’ll feel differently when she’s in my arms for the first time. The nurses propped me up, gave me a brief lesson in holding a newborn and then held her out to me. But I didn’t reach out for her. Finally they placed her in my arms. I could barely look at her. I don’t know if I resented her for being chosen, or if I was simply so burdened with guilt that I was too undeserving.

Certainly with her being early we ran the risk of complications and God could snatch her away from us. Surely I would have deserved that with having snuffed the lives of 2 other babies. I clearly had no concept of God’s love and forgiveness.

But through it all I never let on of any problem. I quickly became very depressed within hours of the delivery. I managed to hide it all. Nighttime was the worst. Anyone who has dealt with depression knows how dreadful the “dark” hours are.

After 3 weeks I couldn’t bear it any longer and had a “coming out” party. I just simply admitted one evening I was depressed. Post Partum Depression. I got some wise counsel from my in-laws and truly did feel a release. I know now that God was tenderizing my heart preparing me to come clean of my 2 little secrets. It was a small but monumental moment in my life. Although I still did not tell Brent about the abortions God began that night revealing Himself to me through my newborn daughter.

As the depression began lifting from me, I held Kass in my arms, and for the first time I really looked at her. How marvelous she was! So fearfully and wonderfully made! She smiled for the first time while I held her. Brent maintains it was gas. But as I looked down at her face it wasn’t her that I saw at all. I saw the face of Jesus. It was as if through her smile He comforted me. And I knew then, I was under construction. The transformation had only just begun. I spent the next several months praying and reading God’s word. Seeing things I’ve seen before for the first time! It was as if God gave me new eyes.

my confession…

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it started when i was in the 3rd grade.

i remember the night it very first occurred to me.

ever since that day of harsh realization ive been tormented with restlessness.

one might not think id struggle with such a thing. especially with being a Christ follower and all. it really doesnt add up.

but, its my reality.

and sometimes…this restlessness, this preoccupation of thoughts and anxiety will abruptly wake me out of a deep sleep.

i take deep breaths and begin to pray.

my confession...

im afraid to die.

POAK! (you'll get it if you read this whole thing)

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you all know i do not do long posts. and i understand if you move along and dont read this. but i had to put it out here. i’ll keep this bit short. basically…joshua white and i had a fairly deep discussion wednesday afternoon and thought we’d share it with you. we talked about the issues most arent talking about right now re: haiti and helping. so here you go – our chat….

josh: there is a personal struggle as well. I think fear does still hold me back. For as “radical” as I want to be and can be sometimes, I still retreat to comfort. And I think the opposite of you, I think “generally” people could care less. Maybe I’m a pessimist, but the circles we run in AREN’T a reflection of society as a whole, you know?

tam: yah…i think we all want comfort. and i wouldn’t even call it our sinful nature. i think its natural…how life was intended during creation…but what i think we’ve done to it, with it, is hid behind it. we talk a lot. we promise a lot. but we do little. because if we actually do…we’ll have to follow thru. so, i think its less about comfort and more with laziness.

josh: You’re probably right

tam: i cant hide behind fear…none of us can. especially when it comes down to finances (for most of us) i cant say i cant give anything. i can go a week without buying mochas and give 15 bucks right there.

josh: I mean, I get being responsible, but is it more important to pay a bill on time or help others? Gah. So many questions.

tam: yes. both.

josh: I just need to get out of debt =)

tam: its important to pay your bills because thats your responsibility. God is not calling you to go back on your word and not pay your bills that you owe. but if you can be creative with cutting back a thing or two for a season, so you can give more, then do it. period. i don’t think its as difficult as people make it out to be

josh: Oo, I’m going to make you eat those words in a moment =)

tam: ok

josh: If someone in your family was sick and needed every ounce of money you had, wouldn’t you let a credit card bill or two go?

tam: i have. and i’ve regretted every day since then that we put ourselves in the position that we even had a maxed credit card we couldn’t pay because our kids got sick. ya see… it goes much deeper than just wanting to help. we need, and have needed to be, a lot more proactive and prepared for these times than we are.

josh: YES!!! That we definitely agree on

tam: i think this is a wake up call for believers world wide to get their junk together. while i’m certain that self reflection during these times is healthy and in order…we need to be careful that we don’t make it all about us. either in how we cant give or how much we can and do give. this isn’t about us. its always about others. and not in a ‘point out the log in the others eye’ kinda way. but about…really serving and sacrificing for others. and by sacrificing i don’t mean, and do not think God would support, we default on our responsibilities…at all…but if there are ways to sacrifice comforts without putting your own family and self in a similar predicament, then i say…do ALL you can.

josh: yeah. the bigger story here definitely seems to be to get our junk in order so we can be better equipped to be the Church we need to be

tam: yup. fully agree! like, a million percent. we all definitely need to do some housecleaning in all areas of our lives. so…you wanna start a mission to do that? maybe…a challenge – a call out?

josh: hell yeah =)

tam: lets do it! what a perfect time to bring self awareness to people.

josh: i couldn’t agree more

tam: i think the number one question to ask people is…are you prepared, personally and as a family, financially to help in times of crisis like this in haiti? why or why not? what can change? do you think there needs to be change? is it your responsibility? do you feel its a part of the great commission?

josh: I think we stumbled upon something so very important

tam: whats that?

josh: The idea that most people, at least those in our circles, WANT to do SO much, and it breaks their heart that they can’t for whatever reason (mine included). But they’re stuck in something, whatever it is, that keeps them from being able to act in a radical, Christ-centered way.

tam: so…in bringing awareness to others on how to recognize what is preventing them from helping?

josh: And by the way, your number one question was like five questions =) Yeah, I think people are content to continue living their lives, in the case of being financially chained down, people who will continue to use their credit cards to get points, yet never pay them off, have bill after bill after bill and never be concerned because they’re making it month to month… but when tragedy arises they’re left scratching the heads and butts… saying “I can’t do anything.”

tam: i know. shut it. and also… lets not discount those who pray. there are those who are called to be prayer warriors and those who honestly can do nothing more than pray.

josh: Absolutely. And I hope nobody thought I was today. My whole thing about saying “prayer isn’t enough” was indeed, solely about me.

tam: got it.

josh: I am not a prayer warrior, I’m a man of action =)

tam: because you know you can do more…i get that. totally.

josh: Because to me, saying “I prayed about it,” when I just spent money on coffee and an itunes album, is like saying “you’ve got this God… I’m cool here.”

tam: right. that makes sense. and thats what started that gut check…because i totally believe God was grabbing you and going, “nu-uh…not you!”

josh: I think god is up there wanting to become flesh again just so he can come down here and kick me in the junk

tam: nice!

josh: it’s like that conversation we had so long ago… God gives us abilities, gifts, and the heart to DO things

tam: that we have more power than we believe or use?

josh: yup

tam: yah…i “think” about that one all the time ;) alright then…lets do some ass kicking…starting with our own first. which i think we’re doing quite well already

josh: haha. We can be the People of Ass Kicking

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and lastly…a charge from josh…

If you are anything like us, then you feel this holy discontent to act. You may feel like you are being held captive by something in your life that is preventing you to be a radical change in the lives of people who need it most, I know I do. These things that hold us back are very real, and we have the responsibility to deal with them. Would you join me in dealing with them, so next time something like this happens, we can be better equipped to be an amazing agent for Christ? Let’s be the Church God so desperately wants us to be. Whether it’s financial, or something else that CAN be dealt with, let’s all pledge right now, right here, to start down the path to deal with it. Let’s not let another massive tragedy like this happen with us still unprepared. Let’s not let another child on a street downtown in your city go hungry another night because we didn’t have enough cash in our pocket to buy them a meal. It’s time we as Christians rise up, and make changes in our lives, correct the mistakes we’ve made in the past (in my case, financially), so we can finally be mobile and have the freedom to react.

A side note – I understand that some people truly cannot do much more than pray, for whatever reason. Understand I’m not calling you out, rather it’s the people who do have things in their lives that are holding them back from radical generosity that CAN be dealt with. There are some of you who are called to be prayer warriors, and I am so very thankful for you, because I am NOT one of those people. So thank you, and keep on praying. Add some prayers for the rest of us who feel a need to act into the mix, that we can get our households in order and be ready next time.

grace – undeserved

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my friend, nicole wick, is doing a series on grace this week at her place. and…she asked me to be a part of it.

wow.

sincerely honored, i offered her this