Category Archives: Deep Thoughts

choosing hurt over healing

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Here are my thoughts. Take it or leave it. Love it or hate it.

Unedited…

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Hurt…in one word…hurts.

We all experience hurt. It is unescapable. It is a part of life. It comes in multiple levels.

One seems easier. Stay where you are. It’s all you know. It’s your normal.

One requires no work. It takes work to heal. To move on. To forgive. To focus on the future and not the past. To choose to trust again.

Outsiders often encourage the hurt by justifying. Babying. “It’s ok. You’re the victim here.” They’re enablers. And, often times, they have no idea that they are enabling. It is no fault of theirs.

We get comfortable with attention, regardless if it’s negative or positive. Attention is attention. It intrigues people.

Others reach out to the hurt because they know it’s right. The good in them compels them to want to help.

The victim receives that extension, and it is beneficial for a season. Often times, that season extends beyond its practical length. And, in turn, becomes a crutch and a comfort.

In all reality, you can become addicted to hurt. Some may feel that the only way they can get attention is by ”playing the victim”.

It’s not healthy. It’s manipulative. It can stunt emotional and spiritual growth. Ultimately, I believe that none of us truly desire that.

I realize this a very strong post. But, hear me out. Wait… read me out. I would never write this, had I not lived it myself. This would be an opinion if I were an outsider looking in. But, this was once me.

 

{This post was inspired by recent messages from Cross Point Church}

 

Discovering My Platform

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Most of you know my story. You know about my first marriage that ended in a tragic suicide. You know about my postpartum depression after my children were born. You know about the sexual abuse endured as a child. You know about the physical abuse. The drugs. The alcohol. And, you know about the abortions…the topic that is closest to my heart. But, what you may not know is that I am not anti-abortion.

That is not my platform.

Yes…abortion is a terrible, cruel, form of birth-control. And that is exactly what I used it for…out of fear. I do not condone abortion. Not one bit. Please understand that.

But, the more I dig into writing my book, the more I connect with my hearts cry. And my hearts cry, the one thing that weighs on it the most, is people who live under the weight of sin when they need not to.

I lived so many years truly repentant of my choices yet unable to receive the forgiveness of my forgiving God. How that must grieve our Fathers heart.

Knowing that so many live under that same kind of weight truly grieves my heart, too.

We all make bad choices. It’s our nature. But often times it isn’t about the bad choices we make…it’s about how we let those choices make us. We end up living under guilt, shame, fear, low self-esteem, low self-worth and allowing our poor choices to dictate our character and who we become, ultimately, devaluing the person we were created to be.

Friends, this is no good. We were meant for more than this. And until we believe that, truly believe that, we will continue to shrink back behind poor decisions we’ve given false power to.

If God is for us then who, or what, could ever stop us?

Certainly God is bigger than our mistakes.

And this, this, is my platform…Embrace your potential and future instead of your failures and past.

What have you allowed to shape you that needs reshaping?

 

some things are just flesh diggers

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yesterday, kassidi purchased a new nose ring to replace the hoop she currently had. it was a very slightly smaller hoop.

she came home and switched it out. it looked cute. but it also looked snug.

by this morning it looked even more snug. almost like the piercing was being stretched a bit and the bottom of the ring was digging into the flesh. so…we decided it would be best to switch back to the old, slightly larger, hoop.

but, she couldn’t remove this ring. she tried and tried. she used pliers, tweezers, attempted to pull it apart time and time again to dislodge it, but she could not.

frustrated to tears, and in a bit of discomfort, i decided to take her to the young lady who pierced her originally so that she could switch it out for her.

the process was painful. it was long and laborious. apryl, the piercer, had to use several different types of pliers and creative ideas and angles to loosen this much too tight nose ring.

what should’ve been a 5 minute, max, switch out…became 20+ minutes.

kassidi’s nose is red and sore right now. but she is glad to have her old ring back in.

how might this apply to every day life? well…we, i, often notice things that are alluring. something catches our eye. that’s normal…we all do it. but, we don’t need it in our life. in fact, we often already have “it”. but, we want more. we want to satisfy our lack of contentment by attaining the next best thing.

more often than not…that new thing – be it material, emotional or physical ends up not being the best choice. but we hold on to it anyway. and it begins digging into our flesh in ways that are damaging. and the more it makes itself at home, the harder it is to dislodge it.

examples:

eating for comfort.

sex for attention.

gossip for self-elevation.

all provide immediate satisfaction – but end up leaving us, and others, scarred and empty in some way, shape or form.

“Everything is permissible for me”—but not everything is beneficial. “Everything is permissible for me”—but I will not be mastered by anything. ~ 1 Cor 6:12

although this verse is speaking to sexual sin, i’ve always thought it applied to any area in life.

it reminds me to think deeply and consider the worth, or consequences, before i make decisions in my life. even the seemingly small ones.

existence

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what’s the purpose of your existence?

not just existence, but your existence?

but really think about it. im gonna spend the day thinking about it as well. ive already been considering it and, honestly, its been hard for me to come up with an answer. its not that there isnt one…i just need to formulate my thoughts and accept reality of what is and what should be.

alright, that was kinda deep for something that may be very easy for some of you to answer, but…i m just being honest.

ok.

go…

POAK! (you'll get it if you read this whole thing)

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you all know i do not do long posts. and i understand if you move along and dont read this. but i had to put it out here. i’ll keep this bit short. basically…joshua white and i had a fairly deep discussion wednesday afternoon and thought we’d share it with you. we talked about the issues most arent talking about right now re: haiti and helping. so here you go – our chat….

josh: there is a personal struggle as well. I think fear does still hold me back. For as “radical” as I want to be and can be sometimes, I still retreat to comfort. And I think the opposite of you, I think “generally” people could care less. Maybe I’m a pessimist, but the circles we run in AREN’T a reflection of society as a whole, you know?

tam: yah…i think we all want comfort. and i wouldn’t even call it our sinful nature. i think its natural…how life was intended during creation…but what i think we’ve done to it, with it, is hid behind it. we talk a lot. we promise a lot. but we do little. because if we actually do…we’ll have to follow thru. so, i think its less about comfort and more with laziness.

josh: You’re probably right

tam: i cant hide behind fear…none of us can. especially when it comes down to finances (for most of us) i cant say i cant give anything. i can go a week without buying mochas and give 15 bucks right there.

josh: I mean, I get being responsible, but is it more important to pay a bill on time or help others? Gah. So many questions.

tam: yes. both.

josh: I just need to get out of debt =)

tam: its important to pay your bills because thats your responsibility. God is not calling you to go back on your word and not pay your bills that you owe. but if you can be creative with cutting back a thing or two for a season, so you can give more, then do it. period. i don’t think its as difficult as people make it out to be

josh: Oo, I’m going to make you eat those words in a moment =)

tam: ok

josh: If someone in your family was sick and needed every ounce of money you had, wouldn’t you let a credit card bill or two go?

tam: i have. and i’ve regretted every day since then that we put ourselves in the position that we even had a maxed credit card we couldn’t pay because our kids got sick. ya see… it goes much deeper than just wanting to help. we need, and have needed to be, a lot more proactive and prepared for these times than we are.

josh: YES!!! That we definitely agree on

tam: i think this is a wake up call for believers world wide to get their junk together. while i’m certain that self reflection during these times is healthy and in order…we need to be careful that we don’t make it all about us. either in how we cant give or how much we can and do give. this isn’t about us. its always about others. and not in a ‘point out the log in the others eye’ kinda way. but about…really serving and sacrificing for others. and by sacrificing i don’t mean, and do not think God would support, we default on our responsibilities…at all…but if there are ways to sacrifice comforts without putting your own family and self in a similar predicament, then i say…do ALL you can.

josh: yeah. the bigger story here definitely seems to be to get our junk in order so we can be better equipped to be the Church we need to be

tam: yup. fully agree! like, a million percent. we all definitely need to do some housecleaning in all areas of our lives. so…you wanna start a mission to do that? maybe…a challenge – a call out?

josh: hell yeah =)

tam: lets do it! what a perfect time to bring self awareness to people.

josh: i couldn’t agree more

tam: i think the number one question to ask people is…are you prepared, personally and as a family, financially to help in times of crisis like this in haiti? why or why not? what can change? do you think there needs to be change? is it your responsibility? do you feel its a part of the great commission?

josh: I think we stumbled upon something so very important

tam: whats that?

josh: The idea that most people, at least those in our circles, WANT to do SO much, and it breaks their heart that they can’t for whatever reason (mine included). But they’re stuck in something, whatever it is, that keeps them from being able to act in a radical, Christ-centered way.

tam: so…in bringing awareness to others on how to recognize what is preventing them from helping?

josh: And by the way, your number one question was like five questions =) Yeah, I think people are content to continue living their lives, in the case of being financially chained down, people who will continue to use their credit cards to get points, yet never pay them off, have bill after bill after bill and never be concerned because they’re making it month to month… but when tragedy arises they’re left scratching the heads and butts… saying “I can’t do anything.”

tam: i know. shut it. and also… lets not discount those who pray. there are those who are called to be prayer warriors and those who honestly can do nothing more than pray.

josh: Absolutely. And I hope nobody thought I was today. My whole thing about saying “prayer isn’t enough” was indeed, solely about me.

tam: got it.

josh: I am not a prayer warrior, I’m a man of action =)

tam: because you know you can do more…i get that. totally.

josh: Because to me, saying “I prayed about it,” when I just spent money on coffee and an itunes album, is like saying “you’ve got this God… I’m cool here.”

tam: right. that makes sense. and thats what started that gut check…because i totally believe God was grabbing you and going, “nu-uh…not you!”

josh: I think god is up there wanting to become flesh again just so he can come down here and kick me in the junk

tam: nice!

josh: it’s like that conversation we had so long ago… God gives us abilities, gifts, and the heart to DO things

tam: that we have more power than we believe or use?

josh: yup

tam: yah…i “think” about that one all the time ;) alright then…lets do some ass kicking…starting with our own first. which i think we’re doing quite well already

josh: haha. We can be the People of Ass Kicking

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and lastly…a charge from josh…

If you are anything like us, then you feel this holy discontent to act. You may feel like you are being held captive by something in your life that is preventing you to be a radical change in the lives of people who need it most, I know I do. These things that hold us back are very real, and we have the responsibility to deal with them. Would you join me in dealing with them, so next time something like this happens, we can be better equipped to be an amazing agent for Christ? Let’s be the Church God so desperately wants us to be. Whether it’s financial, or something else that CAN be dealt with, let’s all pledge right now, right here, to start down the path to deal with it. Let’s not let another massive tragedy like this happen with us still unprepared. Let’s not let another child on a street downtown in your city go hungry another night because we didn’t have enough cash in our pocket to buy them a meal. It’s time we as Christians rise up, and make changes in our lives, correct the mistakes we’ve made in the past (in my case, financially), so we can finally be mobile and have the freedom to react.

A side note – I understand that some people truly cannot do much more than pray, for whatever reason. Understand I’m not calling you out, rather it’s the people who do have things in their lives that are holding them back from radical generosity that CAN be dealt with. There are some of you who are called to be prayer warriors, and I am so very thankful for you, because I am NOT one of those people. So thank you, and keep on praying. Add some prayers for the rest of us who feel a need to act into the mix, that we can get our households in order and be ready next time.

ive changed…

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…the way i pray.

i was recently praying for a job opportunity for a good friend of mine. knowing this person only wants to make the best decision and work in and at the best place so that they can serve the Lord most effectively. so i prayed things like…“Lord, bring the right job. – Make it apparent. – Show them where, when, how, etc…”

then it occurred to me… of course the Lord will do all those things. He already knows the job theyre getting. He knows where. He knows why. He knows how. all those things are already taken care of.

so, is it wrong for me to pray those things? well, no. but i do think the focus is a bit off. and i am glad to have seen this.

what i should be praying is…

Lord, thank you for knowing the things we do not. knowing that You are aware and in complete control gives us peace. thank you. Thank you Lord for already providing the best job for my friend in this season. You are a perfect provider. i pray not that You, Lord, work and move…You already have…but that my friend will work and move. that they will be ultra sensitive and attentive to Your voice and guidance. i pray they will know Your peace and crawl in the calm of your lap as they seek You and follow Your lead to the place and opportunity You have provided and have waiting for them.

i guess what im saying is…i find myself praying for the Lord to do, do, do. He already has. my prayers need to be for us to acknowledge and trust. to move in and on faith and believe, even when we are in doubt. i believe more often than not…the action lies in our court.

i am not humble.

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a while back i said this on twitter…

ive learned in social media. i dont avoid “popular” ppl cuz theyre popular. i dont talk 2 them different cuz theyre “popular”. theyre equal.

then, a couple days later i heard francis chan speak at catalyst, via the net, and he says this…

humble yourself. can you forget for one second that youre a leader. remember that we are but one breath away from God and we all have that in common.

i immediately jotted down what he said and tucked it away. i just ran by this again and i love it even more the second time around.

do we really believe we are equal? are we living as if we’re superior to others?

honestly, i sometimes catch myself responding to life, people, this way. it is a true ugly i occasionally bear. and at the moment, i am trying to find the perfect word to express my disgust at this. ick and eewww are all i can come up with.

but you know…i see this in me. i see this attitude in my family. i see it in others every single day. i see it in the church. i see it on twitter, blogs…everywhere. i believe its something we all struggle with. i also believe it can be one of the most damaging parts of our character. damaging to others…and to ourselves.

unfortunately, we’re more likely not to address it until we have to…until we’re called out. well, im calling myself out right now. id rather do it than you do it for me. although, if you called me on this-as uncomfy as it would be-i would receive it and be unable to deny its truth. but im doing it first, thankyousokindly.

i read somewhere recently that we should never look down on anyone…unless we’re helping them up.

i guess im more attuned to this right now while extra attention and emphasis are being made on Christs humble entry into our world. the ultimate picture of humility and grace.

who am i to believe that i am above His honor?

“How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and the strong. Because someday in life you will have been all of these.”
- George Washington Carver


Overboard! – [a re-post]

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[originally posted on august 20, 2007]

Have you ever got angry with yourself for carrying around things from your past; failures, guilt, regret, frustrations or fears? Some of those might be things you’re dealing with today. You wake up one morning and realize the bag of guilt-ridden bricks you’ve been hauling over your shoulder for years is beginning to cut into your flesh…leaving even more wounds.

For some of us, I suppose, the bag of guilt is our comfort. It’s all we know. It is our identity. Who would we be without it?

A few years ago Pastor Tom taught out of Acts 27 “The Shipwreck”. The ship that Paul is on inherits some trouble at sea. The crew, in their fear, made a couple poor decisions and the ship ended up in an even more compromising situation. They eventually stopped trying and gave in to the strong winds. Difficulties caused them to give up.

Jumping quite ahead here the storm continued to rage so they dropped several anchors and just waited and hoped for the best. They would come to find land one morning, a coastline that could be seen from the ship. The only way to get there would be to get rid of the anchors. They certainly wanted out of the storm and off that ship! In verse 40 it says, “So they cut off the anchors and left them in the sea.” I remember Pastor Tom saying along with this verse “release what bonds you”.

I have anchored myself for years over past failures, only to add more anchors for present failures. But it gets me nowhere, literally! If I’m trapped and stagnant because I choose to harbor and hold onto the past then I am not living fully the life God intended me to live.

Daily I have to choose to let go. It’s a flesh battle! I don’t want anchors holding me back. I want freedom to live in Christ. I want freedom to live for Christ and not myself.

So friends, do you have a bag of bricks to drop off the side of a mountain? How about anchors that need to be cut? It comes down to faith. Anchoring ourselves down says to God we don’t trust Him. Do you trust Him?

casting

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“…casting all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you.” 1 peter 5:7

i’ve read this verse a hundred times. it always looks so warm and fuzzy. i find myself saying, “yes. it’s all yours God. here you go!” then…before i know it – i’m burdened with worry again.

worry = anxiety, stress. a troubled state of mind.

i too easily get caught up in my own thoughts. and when weighed down with worry, my thoughts are not as clear. they are scattered and irrational. my pastor said last week that “worry is unreasonable”. yup. that is so right on! the silly arguments and down talking i have had with myself. oh. my. goodness. unreasonable.

“whoever trusts in his own mind is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom will be delivered.” proverbs 28:26

i know that when i ask for wisdom He gives it. all i need to do most the time is look for it. it’s there in the first verse regarding worry.

cast.

casting = to transfer. to throw off.

i tell Him i don’t want to worry. i ask Him to help take my anxiety away. i wonder where my stress is coming from.

i’m not casting. i’m…boomeranging. i’m “throwing” it out and waiting for it to return. and i grab it right back.

and another day is wasted.

to be honest here. i’m not as bad as i used to be. but people, it can get pretty unreasonable up in my head. and that spills out into every area of life. my marriage, my parenting, my friendships, my ministry. it wears me out and robs a good day of extraordinary potential. not good.

“worry doesn’t empty tomorrow of sorrow. it empties today of strength.” – corrie ten boom

that is all.

Umbrella

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my friend Nor, The Nor Easter, has been inspired. he put a call out to several bloggers to write of a specific time when they had gone through a storm. we have experienced them, some are now, and there will be one or more to come in the future. with that thought in mind – i became instantly interested in reading others perspectives on their own life’s storms.

today, is my stormy day over at the nors place. i hope, tho, you will find encouragement in my storm story – that is if you choose to pop over and read it there ;) and i do hope you do. and while you’re there, read some of the other storm stories that have been submitted!