Category Archives: abuse

The Writing Struggle

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Today I wrote another chapter for my book. And I must say…it gave me a heart work-out.

I totally get why people conceal injustices.

While revisiting some very painful moments from my childhood I struggled writing them down – for so many reasons. Not so much that it was hard for me, personally. I don’t relive the memories anymore like I used to. In fact, during recall, I actually feel as if I’m hovering over the past moment, watching it unfold as a total outsider. I feel physically detached yet there is still a connect. It’s hard to explain, really. Perhaps one of you can identify and articulate this better.

But what I struggle with the most is wanting to protect the people who were around me and “involved” at that time.

I struggle with the thought that while I do not have to endure all those abuses anymore, there are countless of children who are suffering this very second. Children who are being beaten and molested and threatened. They are frightened and alone. Even in a sea of people…they are alone and terrified. I hate that. More than I can describe.

I struggle with how much to share. I know I have literary freedom. But I also love and respect my family. I want to protect them.

This process is harder than I imagined it would be. Yet, it is one of the most necessary things I have ever done…for me, my family and, hopefully, for those who will someday read it.

I’m praying that as God walks me through this process that He will have me write exactly what is necessary and beneficial for His sake, His children’s sake and His glory.

Please pray with me…

[Following is an excerpt from todays chapter]

The secrets continued on. The sexual abuse, the physical abuse.

“Tam, how come you’re using a pillow on your chair at the dinner table?”

Danny glares at me with his sparkling eyes from across the table.

“Oh, um, I fell off my bike on the way home from school today.”

No. Not really. I had just been beaten with Danny’s belt-buckle while bent over this very chair, naked, for a half-hour straight for forgetting to wash a drinking glass this morning. But if I tell you that, mama, he’ll kill you. That’s what he told me. And I don’t want you to die. So I will lie to you. I will keep this secret. 

Let It Go…And Live

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I remember the days when I hid. The days when I woke up each morning and the first thing that came to mind would be my bag of secrets. I would slowly get out of bed, grab that bag of secrets, throw it over my shoulder and carry it around all day long. Allowing it to dig into my flesh causing pain, day after day.

It was my way of life. My normal.

This weekend Pete spoke a challenging word to many! Right out the gates he gave us this truth…

If we don’t learn to transform the pain, we’ll just transfer it.

 

Ok. Yes! This couldn’t be more true than truth itself. That was me. I transfered for years! I lied, misled, used, pretended, acted out, used drugs, invited an eating disorder, manipulated the ones I loved and betrayed peoples trust. All because I chose not to come clean.

The very second Pete shared those words my heart began grieving for all those who live under the weight of secrets and pain…no matter what the source.

I still have to work on letting things go. There are self-centered uglies splashed all over me. This weekend I was lovingly, but firmly, reminded to come clean. Come clean with God…Come clean with my loved ones.

Replace Concealment with Confession.

I just want to encourage all of you to find people you can trust to share the weight of your heart with. Most likely, they’re right under your nose. It’s been my experience that hidden secrets fosters a facade that acts as a flame that ultimately burns bridges. It’s just not worth it. Let it go….and live like you were meant to.

That is all.

Thoughts? Confessions?

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Discovering My Platform

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Most of you know my story. You know about my first marriage that ended in a tragic suicide. You know about my postpartum depression after my children were born. You know about the sexual abuse endured as a child. You know about the physical abuse. The drugs. The alcohol. And, you know about the abortions…the topic that is closest to my heart. But, what you may not know is that I am not anti-abortion.

That is not my platform.

Yes…abortion is a terrible, cruel, form of birth-control. And that is exactly what I used it for…out of fear. I do not condone abortion. Not one bit. Please understand that.

But, the more I dig into writing my book, the more I connect with my hearts cry. And my hearts cry, the one thing that weighs on it the most, is people who live under the weight of sin when they need not to.

I lived so many years truly repentant of my choices yet unable to receive the forgiveness of my forgiving God. How that must grieve our Fathers heart.

Knowing that so many live under that same kind of weight truly grieves my heart, too.

We all make bad choices. It’s our nature. But often times it isn’t about the bad choices we make…it’s about how we let those choices make us. We end up living under guilt, shame, fear, low self-esteem, low self-worth and allowing our poor choices to dictate our character and who we become, ultimately, devaluing the person we were created to be.

Friends, this is no good. We were meant for more than this. And until we believe that, truly believe that, we will continue to shrink back behind poor decisions we’ve given false power to.

If God is for us then who, or what, could ever stop us?

Certainly God is bigger than our mistakes.

And this, this, is my platform…Embrace your potential and future instead of your failures and past.

What have you allowed to shape you that needs reshaping?

 

I Wouldn’t Change A Thing

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[A repost from last year. With all the book writing I'm doing I was reminded of this moment again.]

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monday night when i told kota about my abortions, and that i had been married before and widowed, he put a very special piece of my journeys puzzle together.

when i left my first husband, actually when i escaped with my life, i ended up in southern california where i would just two months later meet the Lord.

kotas response to that was…

“mom…if that wouldn’t have happened kass and i wouldn’t be here. none of this would be happening.”

he is absolutely right.

none of my journey was fun to travel. at least not that part. but it got me to a monumental crossroads that forced me to take stock of my life and make some big girl decisions.

im not one of those people who wish i could live my life over so i could change it. my life, as dysfunctional and traumatic as so much of it was, got me to this exact place i am now.

there were scary parts, lonely roads, hurts, disappointments, terrible choices, abuse and much pain…and all of it served to teach me a lot. it exposed my weaknesses and my strengths. it broke me and built me.

i could look back on it all and ask…why me? or, i can see the now and embrace it for what it is…the result of many life circumstances that came together to create the now. a path completely in view by God. by a God who knew exactly what He was doing. He allowed, not made, hurt in my life because it built my character. character that needed refined so that i could be the wife and mother and friend i needed to be.

and in one short conversation…my son understood that.

i love how God is in every detail. we just need to look closer and trust that He’s there.

 

Marriage: Success or Failure

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I don’t spend much time on this blog writing about my opinions on big issues. I write about things in life I have experienced…

Motherhood, marriage, fear, love, failure, abortions, abuse, happiness, grace, redemption.

I can share my perspective on those subjects. But I can not share anything on divorce. I’ve not been through one. Although I have a handful, plus, of people in my life at this moment who have been divorced, or are in the midst of one. I have seen the pain and anguish it can cause. I have also witnessed the freedom it has offered to a once abused spouse.

Divorce is a sticky subject.

A friend of mine recently shared a bit of her experience with divorce and said these words…

divorce is no more a sign of relationship failure than marriage is of relationship success.

Read that again.

Think about that for a second…

When I read that, I didn’t focus on the divorce half of the statement…cuz, again, I have not been through one. However, I did hone in to the last half of her words.

While a handful of my friends are divorced that doesn’t mean the several handfuls of friends who are not divorced have successful marriages. In fact, I know some of them don’t. And I’m guessing that, regardless of the appearance of blissful success, some of the others might just be one conversation away from the D-Word. Who knows.

So, if you are married, how do you measure success in your marriage?

How would you define a successful marriage?

If you are divorced, has your experience changed your view on marriage? Were there warning signs, that you can see now, you’re willing to share?

Reaching back for a reminder

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There is a long path from being wounded to being an overcomer.

I have been so far displaced from the hurts of my past that I can easily forget the pain and agony that is certain in the healing process.

Being a victim of mental, emotional, physical and sexual abuse…I sincerely understand the pain and trauma that comes with it all.

I can recall when Brent and I were first married and he had come home late from work one evening which made him late for an appointment later that night. He came into the bedroom, where I was, and quickly changed his clothes. In the process of this speedy, somewhat frantic, wardrobe change he quickly whipped off his belt.

Instantly…I froze. I had seen him remove it from the corner of my eye and I heard that, oh-so-familiar, swoosh sound a belt can make. In a fraction of a second I became anxious, afraid and angry at him.

Brent rushed out the door and was off to his next appointment having no idea I was sitting on our bed, frightened and angry, reliving terrible memories of abuse.

Little things like this went on for a few years. It was exhausting.

After many years spent in times of reflection, prayer and accountability, I finally came to the conclusion that I could no longer convict a person for someone else’s crimes against me.

It was unfair to them. It was unfair to me.

But I did it. I did it many times.

There were people in my life at that time who called me out and challenged me to grow. To grow away from this and to grow because of it. I am grateful for their tough love and that they did not let me stay where I was.

And this is where understanding and grace comes in. Because I, myself, have been there…I need to empathize with others who are there now.

It is wrong of me not to do so. And I’m certain I have been wrong many times. Of this, I am not proud of. I am still learning.

All this to say…Let us not forget where we have come from.

Should I have been trusted?

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Okay, I’m still kinda stuck on Los’s blog post from this week.

He asked  in one of the comments “if a women has had an abortion should she be allowed to get pregnant again?”

The gist of the context was comparing a molester to a woman who has had an abortion. Could either be trusted again? What if they’re repentant?

Back to Los’s question…Honestly, I was scared to death when I was pregnant with Kassidi. My mind kept drifting back to the young girl who was capable of snuffing out lives because they inconvenienced her. If I was capable then, what was stopping me now? I even feared for her life when she was newly born.

I didn’t trust myself.

At the time, I was the only one who knew about my past abortions. I didn’t forgive or trust myself. And I had yet to truly lay bare and repentant before God.

My thought patterns didn’t change until repentance stepped in.

And it was only then that I fully realized the mercy God had been longing for me to receive from Him.

I say my actions, as one who chose to abort babies, are just as “sinful” as the actions of a molester. in my opinion.

The molester robs their victim, and as a result their emotional, mental and physical well being are jeopardized. sometimes, permanently.

The one who chooses abortion…their victim is physically snuffed out. They’re not even given a chance to defend themselves. It is the highest act of brutality I can think of…If I’m being totally honest.

So, If I can be trusted now then shouldn’t the adulterer, molester, thief, liar, gossiper, abuser who have repentant hearts and are showing desire for change and putting themselves in the hands of trusted accountability?

We are the ones Jesus came for. We are the ones He spent his time with. That is Mercy and Love defined. Something we all should emulate.

give life.

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i was recently talking with my friend about abuse. emotional, mental and physical abuse.

we were discussing which one is worse. i thought about it for a moment and concluded that, for me, emotional abuse is worse.

i shared how when i was a little girl i was abused in all those ways, and more. i recalled the nights after long afternoons of insults, threats, demoralizing comments, from one of my moms boyfriends, that left my tender heart shattered.

shattered into a million pieces.

i would be sent to bed left to dwell on the many hurtful words hurled at me like a fist to my fragile spirit. and i would beg god, whom i didn’t even believe in, to make that person come in and beat me instead. a beating would hurt less and the pain would fade more quickly.

and sometimes, that would happen. and although i bear physical scars on my body today from those beatings, they don’t hurt any longer. however, some of the hurtful words still come to mind and i’m instantly taken back to a time when i was convinced i was worthless and made for nothing.

i don’t believe that today. i’m not saying that at all. but the feelings that come with emotional abuse are easily relived for me versus the pain of a 30 minute beating with a belt buckle.

my point is this…our words either give life or they speak death over it.

today…give life.