Author Archives: tam

You Will Leave A Mark

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The following is an excerpt from one of my book chapters.

[The setting: I am 3 years old trying to get my parents to give me a drink of water]

Knock. Knock.

The door remained closed. My father continued to scream. I made another fist and knocked a second time, a bit louder, less afraid and more determined for that drink.

Suddenly I heard a loud crashing noise. I called for my mom as my father swung open the door. He just stood there, no words, blood dripping from his fist that he had slammed into the very door I stood on the other side of knocking on. I looked down at my own fist. Oh, how different his and mine looked from each other’s.

We locked eyes as he screamed to my mother, “See what you made me do!” I froze. Speechless. Nothing. What did I want again? Why had I knocked?

From that moment on I learned to second guess every feeling I ever had. Every want, desire, thought, question, idea, hope…everything. I just knew that if I shared it that it would cause a problem in one way or another.

Parents, Mentors, Guardians, Leaders… What you do matters. Everything you do matters. And everything we do and say leaves a lasting mark on someone. Good or bad…it will leave a mark. Please, be mindful of this.

Ruined By Praise

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The trouble with most of us is that we would rather be ruined by praise than saved by criticism. ~Norman Vincent Peale

 

I couldn’t agree with this quote more. I especially believe this to be true right now. With social media booming like it is and us all with our “followers” – I’m afraid it has given us a false sense of superiority and over-importance.

We share updates that encourage a praise worthy response. We seem to only display our best. Rarely our mistakes.

We love praise. We love attention that strokes our ego.

Who doesn’t? I know I do. And I’m guilty of this as much as anyone else.

But we do not like is criticism.

I do not believe that all criticism is bad. I believe a healthy critique is just that…healthy. Often times a good critique fails in the delivery. But it can also fail in the receiving.

A couple weeks ago a close friend and I talked on the phone. It had been a very long time since we had chatted. It started out as small talk, lots of catch-up and a little laughter. Then, she got to the point. And she got to it good. She did not mince words. She laid out her feelings, opinions and heart. And while it stung at first, and I immediately wanted to defend myself, I knew she was right.

It didn’t feel good initially. But just because criticism is uncomfortable it does not mean that all criticism is wrong.

I owned it. I apologized. We moved on.

I believe we are both better for it. And I am grateful for friends who are willing to say the tough stuff to me. I pray I will always be open and willing to receive it and that I will be bold enough, and gracious enough, to be honest with the people around me.

Don’t you think we do each other a disservice by not being honest? It may hurt, yes…but it also may be the one thing to grow us.

When’s the last time you’ve been on either side of healthy criticism? Did you receive it well? Did you deliver it well? Would you change anything?

Do you think that our current society strokes ego’s a bit too much, making it harder for people to accept criticism?

[This post is about healthy critique...not harsh judgment.]

 

Solace

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Oh, you mean you didn’t know I was the Chairwoman on the board of one of the most amazing NPO’s around?

Solace

Let me paint a picture for you…

You’re walking through the streets of downtown San Francisco. You pass by a strip club. A worker comes out and walks down the same street along side of you. What do you do? What do you think? What were your thoughts when you were passing the club?

I know for most of us we think, “Sick. How can people do that?!”

I used to be one of them. Now, having been in those clubs with Solace, I have fallen in love with each and every one of these people. They’re people just like me.

What Solace does is meet them where they are…every week with club visits. Solace’s heart is to encourage, empower and enlighten. And they do that by being real, loving, compassionate and accepting.

And one of the many ways these things are being cultivated is by having Help Portrait there with Solace, in San Francisco, and our beautiful Ladies and Gentleman on Valentines Day weekend.

This is going to be a huge event just for our ladies and gents. No one will want anything from them. This is all about giving to them. Giving them a picture of hope. Both figuratively and literally.

Please visit Solace and get to know more about why I am so in love and on board with them. And please pray for them and Help Portrait and all the volunteers that will make Valentines weekend, hopefully, a life changing event for many!

And please consider praying along with us for all that will be touched by this event.

Do Today What Should Be Done Today

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What may be done at any time will be done at no time

Now that’s a good word for me. I am the queen of procrastination.

How do you prevent putting things off?

3rd Annual Fort Building Contest!

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Yes, you read right. We’re having a Fort Building Contest. This will be our 3rd one! Actually, I skipped hosting one last year…ya know, it was kinda busy ;)

But it’s back now! And I’m ready to watch all my competitive friends battle this out.

I picked this time of year cuz everyone tells me February’s gonna get cold. So why not build a cozy fort you can hang and snuggle in.

There are just a few guidelines you must follow…

1- Your fort must be made indoors.

2- All the items used must be from your house and be reusable.

3- No purchasing items just for the fort.

4- Involve your family! Tap into your inner-child – involve your children if you’ve got’em, or, your neighbors children. Just make sure you know them and have permission to take them.

5- Submit your entry by pictures or video, via your blog or link to youtube or vimeo, by March 1st. I will provide a one-stop fort submission hub.

Most of all…HAVE FUN! 

And, yes, a winner will be chosen! This year will be the first time the winner actually gets a prize. They’ll get to choose from one of the following…

1- $20.00 Starbucks Gift Card

2- $20.00 iTunes Card

3- $20.00 Amazon Gift Card

Here are our two past winners:

Russ Hutto (unfortunately this video has been deleted but his post is amazing and he also lists all items used in the fort, w/pics)

The Rainey Fort

So, y’all in??

Lemme know!

Our last fort

 

Most Embarrassing Photo

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I had mentioned on twitter this week that I was gonna post a “most embarrassing photo” of myself and that anyone who saw it here also had to share an embarrassing photo of themselves.

Well, Brent can’t find the photo I was thinking of. And let me tell you…it was a doozie!! My hair had air dried, I had no make-up on and I had a whopping bruise on my right bicep. But, when Brent transfered all his stuff to his new computer about 1/2 his photos didn’t make it. I know, it is so fortunate unfortunate.

So, instead… I’m gonna post the most embarrassing photo of Brent and me. We were dating. It was 1990. And it was all about the big hair!

Now…share one of yours!

 

The Writing Struggle

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Today I wrote another chapter for my book. And I must say…it gave me a heart work-out.

I totally get why people conceal injustices.

While revisiting some very painful moments from my childhood I struggled writing them down – for so many reasons. Not so much that it was hard for me, personally. I don’t relive the memories anymore like I used to. In fact, during recall, I actually feel as if I’m hovering over the past moment, watching it unfold as a total outsider. I feel physically detached yet there is still a connect. It’s hard to explain, really. Perhaps one of you can identify and articulate this better.

But what I struggle with the most is wanting to protect the people who were around me and “involved” at that time.

I struggle with the thought that while I do not have to endure all those abuses anymore, there are countless of children who are suffering this very second. Children who are being beaten and molested and threatened. They are frightened and alone. Even in a sea of people…they are alone and terrified. I hate that. More than I can describe.

I struggle with how much to share. I know I have literary freedom. But I also love and respect my family. I want to protect them.

This process is harder than I imagined it would be. Yet, it is one of the most necessary things I have ever done…for me, my family and, hopefully, for those who will someday read it.

I’m praying that as God walks me through this process that He will have me write exactly what is necessary and beneficial for His sake, His children’s sake and His glory.

Please pray with me…

[Following is an excerpt from todays chapter]

The secrets continued on. The sexual abuse, the physical abuse.

“Tam, how come you’re using a pillow on your chair at the dinner table?”

Danny glares at me with his sparkling eyes from across the table.

“Oh, um, I fell off my bike on the way home from school today.”

No. Not really. I had just been beaten with Danny’s belt-buckle while bent over this very chair, naked, for a half-hour straight for forgetting to wash a drinking glass this morning. But if I tell you that, mama, he’ll kill you. That’s what he told me. And I don’t want you to die. So I will lie to you. I will keep this secret. 

choosing hurt over healing

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Here are my thoughts. Take it or leave it. Love it or hate it.

Unedited…

*************************

Hurt…in one word…hurts.

We all experience hurt. It is unescapable. It is a part of life. It comes in multiple levels.

One seems easier. Stay where you are. It’s all you know. It’s your normal.

One requires no work. It takes work to heal. To move on. To forgive. To focus on the future and not the past. To choose to trust again.

Outsiders often encourage the hurt by justifying. Babying. “It’s ok. You’re the victim here.” They’re enablers. And, often times, they have no idea that they are enabling. It is no fault of theirs.

We get comfortable with attention, regardless if it’s negative or positive. Attention is attention. It intrigues people.

Others reach out to the hurt because they know it’s right. The good in them compels them to want to help.

The victim receives that extension, and it is beneficial for a season. Often times, that season extends beyond its practical length. And, in turn, becomes a crutch and a comfort.

In all reality, you can become addicted to hurt. Some may feel that the only way they can get attention is by ”playing the victim”.

It’s not healthy. It’s manipulative. It can stunt emotional and spiritual growth. Ultimately, I believe that none of us truly desire that.

I realize this a very strong post. But, hear me out. Wait… read me out. I would never write this, had I not lived it myself. This would be an opinion if I were an outsider looking in. But, this was once me.

 

{This post was inspired by recent messages from Cross Point Church}

 

The Mystery Of My Dreams

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I’m disturbed. Confused. Completely baffled.

I keep having two recurring dreams. They’ve been a part of my regular sleep routine for over a year now. Tell me what you think about them…

Dream 1: Faulty Breaks

I’m driving, alone, in a car. Just cruising through town, regular traffic, no big deal. Feels like any normal day. I come up to a stop sign, or red-light, or slowing down in traffic and begin to press on the cars breaks. The car starts slowing down but the closer I get to the stop sigh, light, or car in front of me I find I can not come to a complete stop. I push with all my might and strength on the brakes but the car is still, ever-so-slowly, rolling. I never hit anything or get in an accident. I always wake up right before panic sets in.

Dream 2: Fatigued Legs

The setting could be anywhere, doesn’t matter, but I’m walking in all these dreams. At first when this dream started happening I was walking alone. The scene…just strolling, again-no specific purpose, much like the car dream, when suddenly my legs feel like they are a hundred pounds a piece. The fatigue I feel in them is so heavy, not painful, but near debilitating. My attempts to lift them to take the next step is almost impossible. As months have gone on this dream has evolved in environment. Now I am with people, in public settings. I am also asking anyone I am with to help me move my legs.

And that’s it. These dreams occur weekly. I can speculate their meaning. Perhaps I am feeling my life is out of control. Maybe I am reluctant to lean on others.

I’m not sure.

Any thoughts?

Let It Go…And Live

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I remember the days when I hid. The days when I woke up each morning and the first thing that came to mind would be my bag of secrets. I would slowly get out of bed, grab that bag of secrets, throw it over my shoulder and carry it around all day long. Allowing it to dig into my flesh causing pain, day after day.

It was my way of life. My normal.

This weekend Pete spoke a challenging word to many! Right out the gates he gave us this truth…

If we don’t learn to transform the pain, we’ll just transfer it.

 

Ok. Yes! This couldn’t be more true than truth itself. That was me. I transfered for years! I lied, misled, used, pretended, acted out, used drugs, invited an eating disorder, manipulated the ones I loved and betrayed peoples trust. All because I chose not to come clean.

The very second Pete shared those words my heart began grieving for all those who live under the weight of secrets and pain…no matter what the source.

I still have to work on letting things go. There are self-centered uglies splashed all over me. This weekend I was lovingly, but firmly, reminded to come clean. Come clean with God…Come clean with my loved ones.

Replace Concealment with Confession.

I just want to encourage all of you to find people you can trust to share the weight of your heart with. Most likely, they’re right under your nose. It’s been my experience that hidden secrets fosters a facade that acts as a flame that ultimately burns bridges. It’s just not worth it. Let it go….and live like you were meant to.

That is all.

Thoughts? Confessions?

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