| May 21, 2013
14 comments

Be A Blessing – Not A Burden

 

While raising my kids I always wanted to be that mom. The mom who kept her front door unlocked during daylight hours so all the neighborhood kids could walk on in whenever they wanted. The mom who set up playdates at her house and puff-painted with her children and their best friends (for that week). But, honestly, I didn’t really “want” to be that mom – tho I did believe I was supposed to be. Most the mom’s I knew were that cool and, naturally, I wanted to be that cool, too. So, I gave it shot.

Once.

Yup. That’s all it took. O. N. E. time. Suddenly being the cool mom didn’t seem so appealing. I knew if I would’ve continued being “that mom” my title would switch from cool to crazy in a flash. Like, highly medicated – bouncy room crazy.

I’m gonna get super honest with y’all right now. My closest friends only know this about me but no one else…until now. I don’t like kids.

You read it right. I’m not a fan of kids. I mean, children are a beautiful creature. And some more beautiful than others (let’s be honest) Some are more beautiful when they sleep. Others, when they are never seen. And most of that is their parents fault. But, nevertheless, when those children were at my first, “that mom”, gathering – I quickly learned that lives were in danger.

There was eye-rolling when asked not to eat ice-cream on the couch. There was pushing other kids out of the way to get the first snack. And I wasn’t even the one doing the pushing. There was mocking of my requests. I kid you not. I saw visions of my husband sending out a mass email pleading with our friends and family to donate toward my bail money.

My mind wandered back several years to an incident that, unfortunately, was still taking up residence in my heart.

You know what hurts really badly when you already believe you don’t deserve to be a mom and you’re already scared of screwing up the privilege of having children? Being told that you are a bad parent.

That happened one evening in our home when our kids were super young. Kota was still in diapers. The news stopped my heart and breath. I knew right then that I had made, yet,  another mistake. The first mistake was having abortions. This mistake was not having abortions. Yes, that actually crossed my mind. Clearly I was not meant to be a mom. I’m being told I don’t how to be. How could I have ever thought I’d make a good one.

Immediately I shifted my parenting “skills”. I began parenting out of fear – fear that my kids would become misdemeanors – fear that I would have to hear those words again…”You are a bad parent.” No one wants to hear that, even if they are a terrible parent. And I’m not saying that I was not in need of improvement cuz I KNOW I was, and still am today. But a bad parent? Had my kids become those toddlers that no one wanted around? Had they become a burden on others?

Back to our “that mom” debacle, standing in the middle of my house while an army of unruly, kinda smelly, kids took over my home, I zone in on Kass and Kota. They looked different to me. They were figgity, anxious. It looked as if they were fixin to explode. And that was a mess I wasn’t gonna clean. Realizing my kids were being sent mixed signals, I asked the field of bad seeds to go home. Within a few minutes the house was empty…and quiet. My children’s eyes were huge as they waited with bated breath for me to say something. My first words… Is that how you act at other people’s homes?

No.

Well, maybe I have before, mama. I’m sorry.

How did this friend date make you feel?

Scared, she answered.

Why?, I asked.

I thought they were gonna do something real bad and I was afraid I’d get in trouble.

I’m sorry, sweetie. So, you felt burdened by their behavior, didn’t you?

I think so, mama.

Do me a favor, Kass…(and Kota was in the room, too, so this was just as much a lesson for him) Remember this the next time you are with others, away from home. Remember that every single thing you choose to do in life will affect the people around you. Good or bad. So do this for me, for you and for them…Be a blessing – not a burden.

I tell them the same thing to this day and they’re 19 and 16. In fact, they often finish the statement for me.

Here’s the thing. Those children’s behavior painted a picture in my mind of who their parents were and I judged them all for it. Now, they could have just been having an off day. At the same time. Every one of them. In my house. Simultaneously. Regardless, it was a burden and because of it I never again had kids over to our house. They scared the “that mom” straight out of me!

So, if you are reading this and my kids have ever been a burden on you – text me. I will send them right over to wash all your baseboards! I’m not playing.

Category: opinion, parenting |
| May 15, 2013
15 comments

Parenting 1-Oh-None

I love being a mom. Like, love-love-love it! I think it’s fun. And scary. But mostly fun. I’ve done some pretty cool and smart things as a mom. (it’s ok to admit that, isn’t it?) I’ve also done some pretty dumb things, too. Perhaps admitting that I’m sometimes a cool and smart mom is one of them. ;)

I’ve learned a lot as a parent. And I’ve learned a whole lot of what-not-to-do’s & what not to assume.

So, I thought I’d put together a little list I’m calling,

“Parenting 1-Oh-None” – What I’ve learned not to do in my 19 years of miraculously keeping two kids fairly unscathed.

 

*Don’t. Blink. If you do they will grow up before you open your eyes again.

*Don’t be too hard on yourself. You’re not perfect. And that’s okay. If we all were perfect parents then we’d have millions of Justin Biebers walking around. I KID I KID I KID.

*Don’t encourage them to lie. We all do, or have done, this. Ex: I walked by Kassidi’s room when she was 3 years old and saw her jumping on her bed. I continued to walk on but asked her, “You’re not jumping on your bed, are you?” Her answer…”Nope!” And she stopped jumping on her bed. You see what I did, tho? I encouraged her to lie. She knew she was jumping on the bed and she knew I saw her. But in that, seemingly, innocent question – I gave her permission to lie and get away with not having to deal with the consequence of doing something she knew she wasn’t supposed to do. Mama fail.

*Don’t take the easy way out. Above is a great example. What I should’ve done was invested the time Kass was worth having. Putting the linens away should not have taken precedence over a teachable moment. (Although I, myself, learned something from it) But this is our children’s character we’re talking about. They are worth way more time than we share with them.

*Don’t think that your days of going to the bathroom alone are over just because they become teens. Until they move away your bathroom will always be an open invitation.

*Don’t make every. single. “oops”. a long. drawn. out. speech. There are times their little butts warrant a fair dose of reality and a stern, long, talkin’ to, yes. But not every time. Say what you need to say in the first several seconds otherwise you will lose their attention. Make your words count. And get on eye level – speak softly – and demand they repeat back to you what you’ve told them. And then move on.

*Don’t neglect setting boundaries. It’s easy to buy into the “they need to have the freedom to express themselves in any way they can” line. Wellll…not at the cost of being unruly, disrespectful and down-right ugly to be around. Kids want boundaries. I mean, they’re not marching out the womb requesting them. And they sure the heck aren’t going to remind you to set them. But they want them. They need them. They feel safer knowing they have boundaries and where those boundaries are. There is freedom in knowing what you can and can’t do. It takes the guess-work and anxiety out of their making choices. Children who know their boundaries are, generally, calmer and compliant. It’s also a great accountability tool. When they cross the known line they’ve no one to blame but themselves.

*Don’t assume your kids know you’re sorry. Actually say it! When you’re reactionary and fly off the handle…own it and ask forgiveness. HUGE life lesson there for you AND your kids.

*Don’t forget that your child is different than you. They will have different passions, interests, behaviors and personalities. We can’t mold them into mini-me’s – but we can help mold them into the unique people they were created to be.

*Don’t go it alone. It really does take a village. Find your village! Whether you have a spouse who helps – a spouse who doesn’t help - or you’re a single parent – an adoptive parent – whatever, find fellow parents and families that you can learn from, confide in and do life with. You’ll either learn more of what to do or what not to do. Either way you’re learning.

*Don’t pass on celebrating the little things. There are huge achievements in a child’s life, like – spelling b’s – sporting wins – acing the math test – not peeing the bed. And there are also the ‘little’ things that all too often go unnoticed. When little Jimmy throws away his own capri-sun pouch without being asked…thank him.  When Susie waits patiently beside you while you’re talking to your friend and she doesn’t interrupt you…tell her you appreciated that later. Here’s the thing – if we only celebrate the big moments then we are telling our children that to get our attention and approval they always have to do big things. It’s equally the little things throughout their lives that shape their character and form disciplines and healthy habits. Make sure they know you notice those, too.

*Don’t forget to LAUGH with them!

Alright. These are just a very few of my thoughts and life-lessons as a parent. And I could’ve easily made this a “What to DO” post in place of a “DON’T” post but I just loved my “1-Oh-None” idea I had last night. So, there.

What parenting lessons have you learned that I can learn from?

Category: Childhood, Family, Freedom, lessons, Life, opinion, parenting, perspective |
| April 23, 2013
2 comments

my eyes – to turn or not to turn…

[A sneak peek into my book. From the chapter "Love Takes Risks"]

Do you remember the first time you rode a two wheel bike? The day when training wheels became a thing of the past? Those things only babies used? I can recall my big girl bike day very well! My training wheels had been removed just days before and I was riding my bike with the assistance of anyone I could bribe into jogging beside me. I guess you can say now I had human training wheels. I still couldn’t ride a bike without someone running alongside, hands gripped to my banana seat, as I’d wobble en route for the nearest parked car. Nonetheless, those plastic, crooked rusty old wheels were off and I was ready for the next step…or so I thought!

 

It started out a scrape and scab free morning. All I wanted was to jump on my bike, hoping this would be the day I would ride all on my own. After several not so subtle manipulating hints I finally convinced a family friend it was time for my lesson and with that we headed out for the drama.

 

Off we were back and forth on a little dirt road. Even with him holding on, as I peddled my little heart out, I found it difficult to stay balanced. But just knowing he was there provided all the confidence I needed. So off I would go and he would shout out, “Good job Tam!” and I’d peddle even faster and my smile would get wider. In no time at all I felt comfortable enough to start talking to my human set of training wheels as I rode…all at the same time…thinking to myself, “I don’t know what all the fuss is about – this is so easy!” My confidence was building as I became certain of myself and my riding abilities.

 

Then suddenly in the middle of my spastic chatter he failed to answer one of my questions. So I asked him again and once more, no response. So, yes I did, I turned my head around to ask him one more time and he was gone! He was standing at least 100 feet behind with a big smile on his face yelling, “You’re doing it Tam, You’re doing it!” I’m doing it? I’m doing what? Wait, you’re back there and I’m…OH MY GOSH I’M DOING IT!!! The coolness and assurance I had felt just seconds earlier quickly turned into colossal fear! Then the predictable happened. As I turned back around to see just where I was headed I found myself heading directly south right onto the gravel road! It was the longest fall of my life and I fought all the way down until I was weaved in and out like a pretzel in my bike frame. I was scraped from head to toe, well as much scraping as a 3 mph fall can get you…either way it hurt! My deserter came running as I screamed at him, “Why did you let go?!!” He asked in return, “Why did you look back?”

 

Well here I am 30’ish years later and not much has changed. Yes, the parallels are jumping off the page! My friend wasn’t at fault for letting go of my bike, he knew I was ready. I fell because I took my eyes off the goal and became “ascared”. I can’t even begin counting the times I have looked back and taken my focus off what lies ahead. In many ways I am still that little girl on a bike. Sometimes I find myself looking behind when I’m in doubt hoping to find something familiar and common because I’m too afraid of the unknown. And many times, I fall flat on my face.

 

Lately I’ve been meditating on God’s Omnipresence.  The reality of Him existing everywhere at the same time is a lot to grasp. But because I am a believer in His word I believe everything about Him as well. There are times still when it seems He has stepped out of the room and I’m left on my own. But it only feels that way. Certainly He can’t be away from me or out of my presence being omnipresent and all.

 

So what is it that causes me to feel such a gap or absence? For myself it is almost always a faith issue. What might begin as a strong bring it on world expedition can quickly become a personal setback at the first glimpse of disorder. And no feeling at that point seems to be excused from how I might respond to the hurdles. That’s where my struggle begins. I allow my feelings to dictate my response to adversity. When instead I should be leaning on God’s word, His truths and the knowledge He has put in my heart and mind to guide me; not the sting of fear in that moment.

 

When my friend let go of my bike he knew I could ride on my own. Before that second he’d held on very tight and picked me up each time I became one with the ground. He knew precisely when I was ready to ride off by myself. Even though he let go – he was also still there. He wasn’t physically attached to my banana seat any longer but when I turned around I still saw him – I wasn’t out of his sight. He stood back and watched me graduate to the next stage. Of course when it all came crashing down he was there on the spot tending to my self inflicted wounds and helping to get me back on that bike.

 

I don’t know about you but I still have yet to master balancing life on or off a bike. But the Master who holds everything in balance, including me, knows exactly what He’s doing! I must trust that when He let’s go it’s because He knows I’m ready. I must also believe that just because He let’s go does not mean He has left me alone, even if it feels that way. Fear and little faith can play vicious mind games. But they can never change the living God.

 

I think of Peter when he walked on the water toward Jesus. The second he saw the waves and felt the strong winds he became terrified and began to sink. He shouted, Save me, Lord!” Jesus immediately reached out and grabbed him and then said to Peter, “You have so little faith. Why did you doubt me?” Peter took his eyes off of Jesus and began focusing on the storm raging around him and down he went. Just like my solo bike ride…I took my eyes off the goal when I feared my surroundings had changed and down I went also!


Today it is essential that I believe my Lord is always – in His Omnipresence – right here, right now. When confronting doubting Thomas – Jesus said, “You believe because you have seen me. Blessed are those who believe without seeing me.” Whether I see Him with my eyes or not does not change the fact that He is who He says He is! He is an all knowing, ever present, loving God who knows precisely what He’s doing…Jeremiah 29-11-14a, “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. I will be found by you,” says the Lord. That is a promise worth believing in!

Category: Book, Faith, God, lessons, trust |
| March 17, 2013
No comments

My Identity

I am so proud of Brent. A few times a year the campus pastors at Cross Point have the privilege of sharing a message of their own. This Sunday Brent had that moment. In my opinion it was his best delivery yet. His message was on our identity in Christ…and let me tell you… it was incredible. One of his points that has stuck with me since I heard it is…

“Man looks at the height of achievement and God looks at the depth of character.”

The visual of height and depth really stood out to me. It’s a humbling image in my mind. So much of my life was spent living in a dysfunctional identity based on my past and failures. I was stuck in the middle of that statement. I had not achieved height nor depth. I was just existing…ish. And even though today I know where my identity is I still struggle with where my flesh desires my identity to be. So today’s message was very challenging and received!

You can listen to the message below…

 
Category: Christianity, Church, Communication, Cross Point, Faith, God, Honesty, Life, Ministry, Scripture |
| February 21, 2013
3 comments

Still

What can I bring You that’s not already Yours

What can I tell You that You’ve not heard before

I’ve no eloquent words – When I do they are few

Tho there is one thing I can offer You

Here is my heart – Beating at best

Broken and wounded from life’s certain tests

It’s in Your hands – Do as You will

Search it and show me

I will be still.

~me

Category: God, Poetry, Rhyming, Words | Tags: , ,
| February 13, 2013
One comment

The Fight Is Worth It

The past is the past. Today is now. Tomorrow is full of hope.

I challenged a friend to say this out loud each morning before their feet hit the floor. Easy words to say but not easy to live out.

The past is the past? What does that even mean, Tam? I’ve never been able to forget my past. The saying, “forgive and forget”… Forgive? Yes. Forget? I’m not sure we truly can. In spending years dealing with my past I have learned a few things.

1-While it is hard to bless and release offenders, it is one of the most therapeutic, powerful and freeing choices one can make.
2-Forgiving does not equal condoning, it equals releasing their/its power over you.
3-Past memories that often creep into mind can serve as two powerful tools…
     * Uninvited memories of offenses can be valuable reminders to empathize with others currently struggling to forgive.
      * Memories of poor past decisions personally made can serve as reminders of whom we do not want to be again.
4-Invite a handful of safe, and trusted, people to surround you. Get honest and vulnerable before them and allow them to help you navigate through healing and forgiving.
5-Sit quietly with God as often as you can. Just listen. Be still and know He is God…we are not.

Choosing to sit in the past is like hardening cement to the soul – quick sand to the heart. Dig out. The fight is worth it.

 

 

 

 

Category: abuse, Action, Confessions, convictions, courage, Forgiveness, Freedom, Friendships, God, Healing, lessons, Life, Memories, opinion, perspective, trust |
| February 8, 2013
8 comments

Girls Of Grace

Being a mom of a teen girl can have its challenges. Just the hormones alone can be a conflict of interests and recipe for disaster. Being a mom to a teen girl in this society also adds to the challenges.

Having a teenage daughter has been one of my biggest blessings in life. Having a daughter who has embraced my story and past, who has chosen to let it strengthen and enlighten her, has been mind-blowing.

I love speaking into her life. I am honored to give her the best chances I possibly can. We talk about God together, boys, beauty, pain, struggles, insecurities, self-image and so much more. But there is one thing I, alone, cannot provide for her and that is her own security in Christ. That is something that I, yes, can model personally, but ultimately she must navigate this on her own. That is not to say that I, or others, can’t pour into her.

In steps…Girls Of Grace. I heard of Girls Of Grace years ago and loved it immediately for what they stood for. This is an event, founded by Point Of Grace, for teen girls. It provides a safe environment for teen girls to gather and talk about big issues affecting them. We’ve heard it said that it takes a village to raise a child…this is a village I’d want helping me out!

If you have a teen daughter and are interested in Girls Of Grace then you’re in luck! They are coming to Nashville! February 23rd the Girls Of Grace Conference will be held at Christ Church in Nashville. I will definitely be attending with my daughter, Kass, and am so excited to hear from some amazing speakers and from Point Of Grace!

If you have a teen girl, or know one that might enjoy this conference, then I encourage you to attend!

AND…a lucky someone will be winning two tickets to the Nashville event! Just leave a comment and cross your fingers =)

For more info and tickets please visit Girls Of Grace!I hope to see you there!!

Category: Abortions, abuse, accountability, Authenticity, Church, Community, courage, Faith, Family, God, Grace, Healing, insecurities, inspiration, lessons, Life, Living, Nashville, parenting, Youth |
| February 6, 2013
No comments

Guybrow to Guybrows one pluck at a time

Let’s be honest…even men should groom their eyebrows. At least the unruly ones, right? Well, below is what happens when a few ladies just can’t take an unruly mans eyebrows any longer…

GuyBrow from Brent Hodge on Vimeo.

Nate Lampa, Laura Elizabeth, Kass Hodge

Category: Beauty, courage, embarrassing, Entertainment, Friendships, Funny, Health & Beauty, Hurt, hygiene, Intervention, Life, Living, Love, men, trust | Tags: , , , , ,
| February 6, 2013
One comment

I Put The Me in EneME

I give the “enemy” too much credit. Sometimes when faced with hardship, tough decisions or conflicts it just might be life. Perhaps it is the Lord allowing an opportunity for growth. Or, maybe, I’m just putting the ME in EneME.

If I’m being honest – I am responsible for many of my own struggles. It’s easier to blame the enemy over taking responsibility myself. But honestly I can be my biggest enemy by not doing what I know I should do. Or doing what I know I shouldn’t do.  Or not saying what I know should be said. Or saying something I know I shouldn’t say and so on… As a result I face the consequences and immediately have the choice to blame or accept.

And that is all. Just me thinking out loud.

Can you relate?

 

 

Category: Random |
| February 4, 2013
One comment

The Label-Crutch

I lean a bit more on the creative side of life and thinking. Which means I can often times be flighty and unfocused. Cuz that’s what us creatives are labeled. But I can also be very determined. Especially when a task speaks to my passions. Several years ago I learned the hard way that just because I’m “a creative-type” it does not mean I can’t be teachable. Even though it is hard to give us direction it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t have any.

It has occurred to me that we sometimes treat artists, creative-types, like they have an incurable disease. You know what I mean…

Oh, such and such? Yah, he doesn’t work that way – they can’t do that. You know…those creative types.

On one hand, I think I get that. Perhaps it’s because that’s all I know and have heard for so many years. On the other, I think it’s a huge disservice and a missed opportunity.

The more excuses we give people – the more permission we give them not to grow, not to be stretched, not to be challenged. And, honestly, that’s a disservice to everyone. When we give someone a label it could very well disable. No one is incapable of taking direction. We may not like it but it’s a part of life. It is a part of functioning in a community. One body, many parts, together.

I’m discovering that one of my passions as a creative is to break this cycle. I’ve no idea how yet, or what that’ll look like, but I can envision a room full of creatives that are no longer above, or afraid, of critique or correction, and choose to learn from others without feeling inferior or insulted. I’ve said many times that often it isn’t the critique that is offensive but it’s the delivery that is. While that is true – I also know that as a creative advice can be offered in the best of ways and it still will not be received well. Why? In my opinion = because we have created a crutch. We need to set each other up for success. And handing people a label-crutch isn’t gonna get us there.

Thoughts?

Category: Communication, Community, lessons, Life, Living, opinion, perspective |
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